Slipping
by Idril Isil Gilgalad
Summary: "It takes Shepard a few days to realize something isn't quite right with her after Cerberus brought her back." Shepard is having trouble adjusting to the knowledge of having died, to the thought of being resurrected, to her new body. Her new and old crew isn't doing much better, either. Still, leaning on others might be easier than limping alone.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**

Waking up after being brought back to life is the best and worst way to wake up.

 **Notes:**

This story is stuck in my head, so I figured I might as well write it.

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _Woken up like an animal_ _  
_ _Teeth ready for sinking  
My mind's lost in bleak visions  
_ _I've tried to escape but keep sinking_

 _.-_

Shepard is disappointed that she doesn't get to see the Illusive Man in person, but she guesses it's a smart move on his part: she is certain she would have punched him repeatedly if she had - at the very least for Akuze, Toombs and for stealing her corpse and experimenting on it. Shepard even tries to mention what happened to her unit on Akuze, but the Illusive Man quickly deflects - which is hardly surprising.

Shepard tries to recall what she can about Toombs' story as the Illusive Man talks, what he said about the cruel experiments that Cerberus submitted him to that lasted for years. Cerberus did that to him, the only other survivor of Akuze, how isn't she supposed to suspect they did the same to her?

 _They could have tampered with her memory while she was being "reconstructed". They could have implanted the Normandy's crash memory itself. It's been years, who knows what Cerberus might have done to her just for the hell of it._

The Illusive Man's face and words blur into the background as Shepard's chest starts feeling too tight and cold creeps up her spine. Shepard clenches her fists. If that was true, they wouldn't have left her with the memory of Toombs or the knowledge of Cerberus' involvement in the incident on Akuze, she reasons with herself. She's not sure she's convinced - it might just be a clever gamble on their part, and how can she ever be certain?

Shepard hates working in the dark, standing unknown ground, but she doesn't have a choice right now. She will have to do without any certainties, 'cause she's all alone - all her friends and team members have moved on.

 _She should not feel betrayed by that. She knows she shouldn't blame them. Not when working with or for her had gotten so many people killed before._

 _Death follows her steps, but never strikes her, it strikes those around her. And what is coming back to life if not further proof of that?_

The Illusive Man asks for trust and she almost laughs in his face. She would have to be crazy to trust them, and he has to be either really stupid or really naïve to believe she ever will - and Shepard may not know a lot about Cerberus, but she knows that the man in charge is none of those things.

Cerberus is almost as smart as it's cruel, and she will better remember that.

Shepard agrees to go to Freedom's Progress through clenched teeth. She needs to see for herself if the disappearances are true, although deep down she knows she doesn't have any other options.

Not if there are lives on the line.

* * *

It takes Shepard a few days to realize something isn't quite right with her after Cerberus brought her back. It goes beyond the sharp and numbing pain in her jaw and ribs, or the vague but constant ache that floats around her still-mending body - she has known worse pains, so there's that, but she has also never died before, and she guesses all in all the pain it's not that bad. Chakwas says she is alright, in the most general meaning possible - she has no experience treating dead patients either.

 _She_ died _. She should_ not _be alright. She was_ dead _, but someone decided that was not good enough, that they were not done with her, so they stole her corpse and did things to it because she was a unique and skilled tool and they would hate to just throw her away._

The worst pains are dealt with easily enough, all she needs to do is tell Chakwas and a quick scan and a bone mending after it's all better, but the other one fluctuates. It's never crippling, but it is distracting and irritating. More than an itch and less than a throb; it's there, always there, just underneath her skin and beyond her reach. It's impossible to pinpoint its origin. She tries to scratch it when no one sees her. It has not worked a single time so far, and yet her nails keep digging into her skin until it's red and swollen when she's half paying attention.

Luckily she has been able to keep it to the places usually hidden by her clothes and armor. If Shepard is sure about something it's that she would hate to give the Cerberus crew the tiniest chance to doubt that she is anything but unflappable - especially Miranda. Shepard knows that Miranda would see a chip in her armor from a hundred yards and exploit it, while managing to look impossibly smug at the same time. By all that was sacred, Shepard could not stand even the thought of seeing that expression on the face of the same person to admitted wishing she could have put a control chip in her brain.

The rest of her crew seem to be mostly ex-Alliance and Shepard senses a pattern there. They may be sincere about their intentions or they may not, that remained to be seen, but Shepard only knows that they are not _her_ crew and she doesn't trust them.

* * *

Meeting Tali throws her off her feet more than she thought it would, if she had actually thought about it. Shepard has been trying to ignore the fact that she has been dead for two goddamn years as best as she can, and Chakwas and Joker have let her - for now at least. But they knew she was alive, that she was being rebuilt

 _(like a toy, a broken VI, just replacing some pieces and codes with new ones should do the trick, maybe even upgrade her a little)_

while the shock and relief and disbelief in Tali's voice is authentic.

She really thought Shepard was dead. Shepard has really been dead.

She knew it, but she hadn't grasped the full meaning of it - she had rejected the thought and avoided most obvious reminders like newsfeeds and personal accounts long closed by now. But Tali's gasp and quiet question "You're _alive_?" and suddenly the weight of it all hits Shepard squarely in the face.

Shepard swallows hard, gritting her teeth, trying to keep from swaying. Trying to keep the bile down. Trying to breathe evenly, like she had been taught after Akuze by her therapist, longer exhalations to avoid hyperventilation.

Shepard hasn't needed that trick for years, not since a year after Akuze. Not even after Virmire.

Tali is disappointed that Shepard is working with Cerberus, and Shepard understands. She is disappointed too.

Shepard falls into autopilot for most of the mission. Point and shoot, those are things she doesn't need to think about, things her body remembers well enough. The heavy mech forces her to pay her full attention to it and she is thankful, even if the feeling of moving underwater doesn't go away completely.

When they find Veetor, the quarian Tali was looking for, he doesn't even pay attention to them: he just keeps staring at endless surveillance feeds and mumbling to himself. He is obviously traumatized and Shepard finds the sight of him painfully familiar. It shakes her deeply, more than any mechs could have. She closes the feeds, biting the inside of her lips to keep her composure.

 _He should never had gone through this. He deserved better. He deserved a pilgrimage that was an adventure, not a lifetime of nightmares and panic that weakened him at the worst times, he didn't deserve to get broken because it never got to be the same, and he would never forget the colony or his dead parents and siblings…_

Shepard blinks hard to focus again. No dead parents of siblings here, not for Veetor; those are for Shepard and will always haunt her.

Miranda says that Veetor should be taken in for further questioning, and surprisingly Jacob immediately agrees. Just the suggestion is like a slap across Shepard's face.

 _Really? What more could she possibly get from him? Is whatever little information they might obtain worth putting him through endless interrogations that would no doubt traumatize him even further?_

It probably is worth it to Miranda and to Cerberus. Veetor is just a quarian, after all; not human and therefore not worth any kind of consideration.

Shepard wonders again how was she supposed to work with these people? If this is the kind of thing Cerberus expects from her, then they have no hope for a happy working relationship.

And yet Shepard meets no resistance when she decides they let Veetor go back to the Flotilla. Not even Miranda seems to truly disapprove. Shepard watches her on the shuttle back to the Normandy and thinks the other woman may be still testing her character, trying to get the results of her little science project.

* * *

Nightmares of Akuze come back with a vengeance, only they end with her getting spaced instead of getting burned to death by acid. When Shepard wakes up, panting and sweating, she curses whoever it was that decided putting a window right above her bed was a good idea.

She fists her hands in the sheets to avoid falling back into the void, into the dark and cold space. Again.

Shepard can't catch any more sleep that night. By morning the scratch marks on the inside of her arms are only this far from bleeding.

* * *

In retrospect, Shepard should have known that the Council would not believe a single word she uttered. They had been sending her on ridiculous patrols to clean up any remaining geth cells after the attack on the Citadel for months before she died, quickly closing ranks and dismissing their previous admission that the Reapers were real. Shepard had tried to be understanding, but even her patience has a limit and by the time the Normandy was destroyed her tolerance for the Council's political bullshit was coming to an end.

Since waking up after being kidnapped and revived without her consent the word "Cerberus" has been becoming a nuisance; it's being used against her more often than in her favor and it seems to close doors everywhere she looks. It doesn't matter she assures the Council or anyone else she has no lost loyalty towards Cerberus. It doesn't matter that she _came back from the dead_ or that she saved the Council once before. It's exactly as it had been when she warned them about Saren, only even less fun this time around. The Council has declared the Reapers a myth and forgotten about all of her accomplishments like she never did a single thing for them or proven to be right from the start.

Sparatus is still the most condescending and irritating turian Shepard has ever met.

 _Garrus suggested losing the Council wouldn't be worth losing so many Alliance soldiers - they hadn't listened and hadn't believed her, and for a moment, as Shepard remembered Sparatus' mocking words and the way he never admitted she had been right, Shepard considered it. It would be just pay for doubting her, slowing her down and grounding her. But then she saw the eager look on Garrus' face and remembered having seen it once before: when he was begging to kill the fugitive Dr. Saleon. Shepard hadn't let him and in that moment she remembered why she hadn't, why personal satisfaction was never the same as justice._

Garrus had unwittingly been the main reason Shepard decided to save the Council. A small part of her regrets that decision now.

Shepard accepts the Council's offer of reinstating her Spectre status, barely holding back a sneer and biting words. She figures since they are offering, it won't hurt to have official authority again. No matter that the offering is basically scraps and leaves her with a bitter taste in her mouth, she has enough foresight to take anything that can be useful to her cause.

At least, she hopes it will be useful.

Shepard reminds herself that even if it's not, the only thing that has been harmed is her pride. And one of the few things that Akuze taught her is that prides are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Meaningless when lives are on the line.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Omega is a good place to lose yourself.

Beta-ed by lovely Mordinette, thank you so much.

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

 _I wish you could remind me who I was_  
 _Because every day I'm a little further off_

 _.-_

Omega is more or less what Shepard expected it to be, based on what she has heard over the years and what the extranet suggested. The extranet didn't say that it also reeks of desperation and seems to be the least hygienic place Shepard has ever been in, years of dirt caked in every corner.

Their first mission is easy enough, Zaeed Massani is practically waiting for them. He's very much what his dossier said he was: a harsh mercenary through and through. He looks more at home on Omega than she ever could. Shepard is less than surprised that Cerberus expects her to fulfill the agreement they had made with Zaeed; nothing is ever simple or free, is it?

Aria T'Loak is maybe not as impressive as xir minions and a few scattered extranet articles made xir sound, but xe is every bit as ruthless. The Queen of Omega couldn't be anything else, Shepard supposes, to keep a grip on the whole corrupted station. There is something about xir straightforwardness and hair-trigger temper that Shepard finds refreshingly honest, though. Aria is the type that wouldn't waste too much time trying to manipulate before resorting to violence - and after the Illusive Man and his constant mind games, xe is a welcome respite.

Aria gives Shepard some information and doesn't name a price, which is more than Shepard expected. It might be a way to avoid a dead Spectre ruffling some feathers by asking too many questions and shooting at too many people. Omega doesn't seem like a place where people care to have sense talked into them, which seems almost alright to Shepard, given her current state of mind.

Dying and being rebuilt by a xenophobic and terrorist organization can sure piss off a person. Who knew?

* * *

Shepard signs up with the mercs to go after Archangel, but they don't seem to be in a rush. They still need more freelancers, the batarian tells her, so she imagines they would have to sit and wait for the attack to be launched. Meanwhile, a plague is killing hundreds of people and the doctor Shepard needs to contact might just have the cure, by all reports.

Zaeed stays in Afterlife with orders of keeping an eye on the mercs in case they launched the attack before Shepard comes back and stall them if possible. Zaeed looks almost too happy at the chance of inflicting violence, so Shepard reminds him that she will not take any civilian casualties.

"You want me to stall them or not?" Zaeed asks with exasperation. "No one is innocent on Omega, Shepard."

"No civilians, Zaeed, that's an order," Shepard repeats, standing at her full height.

Zaeed's rusty voice doesn't seem appropriate for chuckling. "Or what? You strip me of my rank, _Commander_?"

Shepard has dealt with insubordination before, mostly because being a high ranked woman in the military meant every now and then a man would question her abilities and decisions because a part of his brain was still living in the past millennium. Shepard has had to put many men like Zaeed in their place before, and while none of them are technically part of the Alliance, discipline on any ship is basically the same.

"Or you never set foot on my ship again. You get stuck in this hellhole and you can kiss goodbye the little trip Cerberus offered you on my account," Shepard replies.

Zaeed's expression clouds over. "You wouldn't…"

"Try me," Shepard dares him. "You either fall in line or get the hell out of my way."

Zaeed glares at her before getting in her face. Shepard does not budge an inch. " _Fall in line_ , eh? Sure. For now."

Shepard doesn't press him further; it would only end somewhere bloody and she has no time to waste arguing with an angry merc, but she will make sure to take him with her on her next mission to make sure he understands _she_ gives the orders.

* * *

The plague on Omega is worse than Shepard expected. They are burning bodies, _inside a space station_ , just to try and hold it back a little longer. By all accounts, it's not even working.

The sight and the stench of burning flesh brings back memories of Mindoir. Desperation hangs in the air, sour and suffocating.

Shepard guns down a couple of mercs before approaching a batarian who is lying in a corner, mumbling under his breath with his head lolling about. Blood trails down his mouth and he reeks of something Shepard doesn't want to think about.

The batarian blames humans for the plague and curses at her. When he begins coughing and choking in his own blood, Shepard deploys her omni-tool out of instinct; helping is a deeply ingrained habit of hers, a habit she forced upon herself after Mindoir and Akuze, after being the only one left alive both times. To make up for failing to save others, to deal with the guilt of being lucky enough to survive.

 _How well has that served her, though? She is alone again. She is not even unlucky enough to stay dead. Or perhaps she has never been lucky enough to die._

Shepard stares at the dying batarian and thinks of her colony planet. Thinks of slavers. Thinks of smoke and burning flesh, and of the dark cold night she spent hiding with water up to her waist, too numb and shocked to cry.

The batarian spasms once and slumps to the ground.

"Well, I doubt he could have helped us anyway," Miranda says in a disinterested tone.

Jacob kneels down and picks up a datapad the dead batarian had been clutching. "Well, at least he had _something_ of value," he comments. He sounds angry, but Shepard isn't sure of the cause. There are too many options.

"Take it," Shepard tells him. Jacob nods and throws one last disdainful look at the batarian before standing up.

"Don't like batarians?" Shepard blurts out before she can stop herself.

Jacob's back straightens like he is saluting; the man would never stop being a soldier. "No one likes batarians, ma'am. _Especially_ not after Mindoir," he points out without looking at her.

Shepard arches an eyebrow but doesn't ask anything further. Most people would have mentioned the Skyllian Blitz. Mindoir is only ever remembered because of her, because it was the home planet of the First Human Spectre - and even then not by most people. Mindoir has always been a somewhat forgotten fact, an obscure trivia part of Commander Shepard's biography.

Jacob has done his homework. Cerberus probably gave every member of Lazarus Project a dossier about her. Shepard decides to read Jacob's and Mirada's files when she goes back to the Normandy. It is only fair.

* * *

Shepard takes the cure from Professor Solus. The salarian talks too fast and it grits on Shepard's nerves unexpectedly. She snaps at him and orders him to pause to breathe and hates herself for it as soon as the words have left her mouth. She tries to force herself to be patient, but it's hard when all she can think of is the batarian she left to die and how she shouldn't have. Chances are he never had anything to do with Mindoir, she knows this.

She tried for years to leave her past behind her and to avoid resentment clouding her judgment. It was hard but she kept on it, utterly convinced mercy was the brand of a true warrior and that second chances were something everybody needed. She has had three of those by now, after all. And she has to believe she can make them count.

But that belief seems hard to grasp right now, buried under the constant dull ache and mistrust and something oppressive she can't quite name. She is trying, but some things just seem to be slipping from her grasp - mainly her patience and tolerance.

* * *

Solus's assistant Daniel is being held by infected, angry batarians. Shepard threatens to kill them if they don't let the man go, and is severely tempted to go back on her word once they do. She knows she would never even have considered it before; she was proud to have forged a reputation of her word being as good as a signed contract.

After a few moments of consideration, she agrees to let them go, if only because it would put the assistant in danger if she didn't.

( _'Are you crazy? You could have hit the hostage!' Shepard hears her own outraged voice in her mind and a small smile forms on her lips. It's moderately ironic._ )

Yes, doing the right thing is never easy. She remembers this. She remembers repeating it incessantly to her old crew, like she is repeating it to herself now. Some of them never seemed too convinced, but they followed her lead anyway.

Shepard clings to her former, deceased self's words and thinks: ' _What would the old me do?_ '

* * *

It isn't until they are ambushed by Blood Pack mercenaries on their way to Environmental Control that Shepard finally gets a chance to take out her sniper rifle and use it. She has missed it, perching on the high ground and selecting targets carefully.

Shepard breathes deeply once to stabilize her aim, the beating of her heart already slowing down. She picks a vorcha sneaking around a pillar to get the jump on Jacob.

She pulls the trigger too soon and misses.

Shepard curses. Her hands are not as steady as they should be and even if she is somewhat calmer, she is not calm enough. Sniping takes more patience than any other kind of tactic, she reminds herself.

Miranda shouts a warning at her and suddenly Shepard is flying away after being hit by a charging krogan, he kinetic barriers barely holding up. Shepard rolls and struggles to her feet, one hand going to her pistol, but not before the krogan charges again.

Shepard lifts her gun to the krogan's abdomen, already certain that she will not be fast enough to do any real damage, when her body unexpectedly throws a biotic wall at the krogan, knocking him back.

Shepard stares at the merc in horror.

 _I am not a biotic._

The krogan makes to stand up and Shepard empties her thermal clip on his head out of reflex. When the krogan crumbles to the ground and stops moving, she looks at her hands, heart hammering in her chest.

 _No._

* * *

As soon as the Blood Pack mercenaries are dead, Shepard storms up to Miranda, grabs her from the collar and shakes her once with all her strength.

Miranda's biotics immediately flare around her skin. Her eyes widen in shock for a second before narrowing dangerously. Miranda closes her hands around Shepard's wrists and squeezes hard, her biotics augmenting her strength several times over.

Shepard winces but doesn't let go.

"Want to tell me what the hell you think you're doing, Shepard?" Miranda asks in a cold and sharp voice.

"Want to tell me why I have biotic powers for the first time _in my life_?" Shepard spits at her.

Miranda's pressure on her wrists lessens to a non-painful level, but she maintains a strong hold on Shepard. "We didn't know if it would work. The Illusive Man said we should give you every advantage, including biotics."

Shepard's grip tightens at the mention of the Cerberus' leader. She pulls Miranda a little closer.

"You said he didn't want to change me. My abilities," Shepard reminds her. "This _is_ changing my abilities, Miranda."

"Let go of me or I will break your wrists, Shepard," Miranda warns.

Shepard frowns but obeys. She has no doubt Miranda would follow through.

Miranda straightens her outfit. "Alright, now that we can talk like adults," she says disdainfully, crossing her arms, "yes, we altered your abilities in that sense. There was only a small chance the process would take, after all. The most likely outcome was that nothing came out of it."

" _Why_?" Shepard demands.

Miranda looks away and her fingers play lightly with the collar of her suit. "Well, in part we feared you would be too weak for regular combat conditions; even with the implants, muscular atrophy was inevitable. Your fine motor skills might also have been compromised, despite our best efforts. We were working with a lot of unknowns, Shepard. It was the first time we brought someone back from the dead."

"So you decided to toy with my brain even further and stuck a biotic implant in there," Shepard surmises in a cold and sarcastic voice.

"It worked for me," Miranda points out with a smirk, but her eyes are cold. "You should try to make the most of it, like I do."

"Right. Of course," Shepard says, her voice heavy with sarcasm. "Yeah, you're right, I should thank you for tinkering with my brain and barely holding back from installing a control chip too." Shepard lets out a humorless laugh. "Just because you like your modifications doesn't mean you get the right of doing the same to other people," she adds between clenched theet before turning around.

It surprises her that her voice lacks conviction. She has been able to talk people into or out of many things, including convincing Saren that he was indoctrinated before he killed himself. But right now she wouldn't convince anyone that she is right. Probably because she knows it's a lost battle.

Miranda and Jacob follow her wordlessly for a minute.

"For the record, Shepard: touch me again and I _will_ shoot you," Miranda suddenly says.

Shepard turns to look at her with cold eyes and a threatening smirk.

"Right back at you, Miranda. Try to tinker with any part of my body again and I _will_ kill you. Slowly," Shepard drawls.

* * *

Mordin is getting ready to leave for the Normandy when Zaeed contacts Shepard saying the mercenary gangs are getting antsy. Shepard tells Miranda to escort the professor to the ship and leaves with Jacob without looking back. Whatever little amount of trust Miranda had scored before now is lost. She knows it too, no doubt, and Shepard is waiting for the moment when the woman will either try to butter her up or throw a fit about it. There will be repercussions, of that Shepard is certain. And she is ready for them.

As soon as they arrive at Archangel's base, where the attack is taking place, Shepard starts asking around about him. His dossier and Kasumi's are the smallest ones Cerberus handed her, but Shepard doesn't even have a name for the vigilante. No one seems to know anything about him, not even the mercs. It's frustrating.

All of them agree that he is good, though, good enough to team up against him. The tales they tell sound almost exaggerated: perfect planning and execution, sabotaging all of their operations and disappearing, and coming close to killing all of the gangs' leaders on different occasions. Shepard figures any guy who manages to be a real threat to every major mercenary organization in the Terminus system is a person she really could use on her team.

 _She hears he's a turian and something sparks inside her. Aria calls him reckless and idealistic for trying to take out the gangs. The gangs fear and hate him. His only goal seems to be stopping crime by any means necessary._

 _Shepard thinks Garrus would have liked him._

Shepard peeks around the barricades, catching brief glimpses of a blue armor. She watches his shots with a critical eye: she is a sniper herself, and she has to admit she is impressed.

Her shields shatter with a crack and Shepard jolts backwards. A flash of blue biotics surround her in irregular waves.

"Commander! You alright?" Jacob whispers urgently.

"Bloody good aim, I gotta say," Zaeed admits begrudgingly.

Shepard shakes her head and the biotic field evaporates. She has no idea how to control them and no time to learn.

"Bastard got me in the shoulder!" she replies, split between annoyed and amused. It hurt, but it didn't break her armor, which is lucky.

She should be more worried, though, because the guy is good, and he has no idea they are on his side.

Although apparently he can miss sometimes.

"Yeah, well, be glad you're still alive," one of the freelancers cowering at the foot of the barricade mutters. "He's gotten two of the people that came with me already."

"Jacob, could you give me a biotics crash course?" Shepard asks the man in a hushed voice.

Jacob blinks. "Right now? Not much I can do." Shepard stares blankly at him and Jacob squirms a little. "Alright, Shepard, I'll try. What have you done so far?"

"I knocked back a krogan. And just now, whatever that was," Shepard replies.

Jacob nods in approval. "You knocked back a krogan? Nice."

"Purely by accident. I thought I was going to die," Shepard says with a smirk.

"No, that's normal. The more scared or angry you get, the more powerful you can be. Wastes a lot of energy, though," Jacob surmises. He frowns at her with a thoughtful expression. "Think you could pull up a barrier again? Should help in case your shields drop."

Shepard tries, without really knowing how, to conjure a barrier. She focuses on her skin, on protecting herself. A small flicker of blue dances around her, but she has no idea how she managed it and it soon disappears again.

Shepard huffs in irritation.

She's not sure whether she is happy about it or not. As much as Shepard hates how Cerberus experimented on her, how they took whatever liberties they saw fit with her body, she has always been pragmatic and admits Miranda has a point about how Shepard should make the most of it. Biotics are useful indeed, even if the thought of how she got them makes her stomach turn.

"I'll give it another shot later," she tells Jacob. "Seems like we are moving soon."

"Finally," Zaeed grumbles. "Getting tired of these arseholes."

* * *

For Shepard there has always been something troublingly satisfying with killing mercs. They are dangerous criminals who smuggle drugs, arms and shoot back at her. They wouldn't hesitate to kill her or anybody else, and that makes it easier.

She's still not one hundred percent with shooting them in the back as they think they're on the same team, though, and that makes her feel better. If it was too easy, she would be broken, too far gone.

Archangel barely pays attention to them as they barge in the room he's in. He merely holds a finger to signal them to wait and takes out one more merc. He's exhausted, that much is obvious as he stands up. Then he takes off his helmet before sitting down on the armrest of a couch and Shepard's eyes widen.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead," Garrus drawls, resting his weight on his knees.

Relief shocks the breath out of Shepard. The world seems to sway slightly out of focus, like when she first woke up. A laugh and a shocked question stuck and die in her throat; she merely stands there, staring at the familiar blue colony markings in the turian's face and wondering if this can be true.

"Garrus Vakarian," Jacob suddenly says with a startled laugh and lowers his gun. "I'll be damned. Been looking all over for you, and here you are."

Garrus' eyes snap to him, and despite his tiredness, he seems alert and ready to pounce.

"We met?" he snaps, mistrust coloring his every word.

"Garrus!" Shepard finally manages to blurt out with a small smile she can't fight back, opening her arms and taking a few steps towards the turian. "What are you doing here?"

Garrus' expression softens.

He squints his eyes as he talks. He truly is exhausted (by all accounts the siege has been going on for _days_ ), but there's also something hopeless in his tone that catches her attention, and as much as seeing him shocked Shepard, her immediate worry for him seems to force things into focus again. Suddenly Shepard has a clear goal of her own choosing that means more to her than any mission Cerberus could give her: she will get Garrus out of here.

She asks how he got himself cornered like this and Garrus deflects, but he is obviously angry. Garrus sketches a (desperate and vague) plan with a certainty and an air of authority Shepard doesn't remember him having. It suits him.

"I didn't like sneaking in, anyway. Time to spill a little merc blood," Shepard agrees with forced cheer and a grin.

"Glad to see you haven't changed," Garrus replies, but there is something else in his voice - something like a question.

Shepard blinks, unsettled by his words. She _has_ changed, that much is obvious even to herself. She was never one to say such things before… was she? She guesses she was, sometimes, but not always. Only when things got personal or when someone crossed a line that was unforgivable.

She was good at her job, but she never enjoyed killing. She never reveled on it.

Did she?

Garrus lends Shepard his rifle to take a look at the new wave of attackers they will be facing, mostly mechs. By itself that is an enormous gesture of trust, handing her his only weapon like it's nothing while turning his back on Shepard's companions; the same companions he was eyeing with mistrust a few minutes ago. It feels incredibly good to have someone believe in her like that, without question. Garrus just stands firmly by her side, her shoulder brushing his armor as she studies the bridge through the rifle scope. Shepard has needed someone to give her this amount of faith and support. Garrus still should ask the questions, though.

Shepard shoots one of the mechs' head off without pausing to think. A second later she realizes it's the first shot with a sniper rifle she has succeeded with today - she tried it several times in the Environmental Control room without hitting a single target. Her hands and her heartbeat are steady.

She hands Garrus his rifle back.

"Just like old times, Shepard," Garrus says as he kneels to take position and Shepard has to ask the questions he's avoiding. She needs to know.

"How are you so sure I'm me?"

Garrus doesn't even look up. "Who else could you be?"

"I don't know. An impostor? A Cerberus agent?" Shepard suggests while kneeling down next to him and taking aim with her own rifle. Hopefully her luck will hold and she will be able to shoot decently again.

She misses her first shot and lets out a frustrated sigh.

Garrus is methodically blowing off the heads of the mechs on the bridge. "You move like you and you sound like you," Garrus says between shots. "The biotics had me wondering, but you still shoot while putting up your shoulder in that weird way. So." Garrus shrugs. "Besides, why would Cerberus or anyone else come to help me when I'm cornered like this?"

"I didn't know it was you, by the way," Shepard comments. So far she has nailed a little less than half of her shots. She's growing more and more angry; with herself, with Cerberus, with the mercs. With everything. "The biotics were a surprise too."

"I bet. And your aim is even worse than it used to be," Garrus deadpans.

"Har har. You're as funny as ever, I see. Good to know some things don't change." Shepard rolls her eyes, but grins anyway. This is nice, nicer than it should be given the situation, but they are both soldiers and they know being a bit flippant during combat is the only way to stay sane, sometimes.

 _Perhaps she_ has _always been like this. She is just giving a little more into the impulses she used to keep in a tight grip before._

"They've entered the building," Garrus warns suddenly.

Shepard puts away her sniper rifle. It seems it is a lost cause and the thought makes her even more desperate than anything else so far; the two years she's missed, being brought back to life, Cerberus, the Council, her crew, her ship. It's worse than any of those. Or maybe it's just the last straw.

"Zaeed, stay up here. Jacob, take your shotgun and follow me," Shepard orders before heading towards the stairs with her pistol in hand.

* * *

Shepard runs to Garrus' side after the missile hits him. He's not moving. She's not even sure he's breathing.

No. They will not take the one team member she has found so far who is willing to follow her again. A friend that has had her back and believed in her, that believed it was her, even when she herself has had her doubts.

No. No, they won't. She will not lose another friend, another soldier. She refuses. If he is dead, they will pay; Tarak and every Blue Suns merc she ever lays eyes on.

Shepard takes out her grenade launcher and without barely aiming shoots at the gunship hovering outside the window. There is a satisfying boom. She shoots again, and stands up yelling incoherently in defiance. The gunships bullets tear at her shields. She misses, but the grenade explodes near the gunship and rattles it.

Jacob shouts for her to get down, but Shepard ignores him and shoots again. She hits the ship again, which shakes and groans and flies away from the window. Shepard strides towards the window. Tarak will not get away so easily.

"They're coming back! Other window!" Zaeed reports.

Shepard turns around and a bullet graces her side, scratching her armor and knocking the wind out of her. Her shields have finally given out. Shepard rolls to cover, clutching her bruised ribs.

Jacob shouts again and Shepard only nods, not really listening. She has a few grenades left and she will make them count.

When her shields are up again, she breathes deeply before poking around the pillar she's hiding behind and aiming. She gets two good shots and by then her shields are failing, but she's starting to see smoke coming out of the gunship and won't give up now.

A bullet gets her in the arm and Shepard hisses. Blue flickers to life around her in reaction and she lifts the grenade launcher again - her arm hurts like hell by the movement but she manages to aim. When she fires, a biotic throw follows the grenade and the gunship rattles dangerously after being hit by both.

Zaeed lets out a triumphant roar - he _really_ hates the Blue Suns, doesn't he?

A few shots later, the gunship starts plummeting and crashes. Shepard allows herself a few seconds to savour it before she remembers Garrus and she hurries to his side again.

* * *

Doctor Chakwas has to order Shepard out of her medbay. The commander is spattered with blue blood and has a forlorn expression that would worry her more if she didn't have her hands full with a dying turian. Chakwas puts the fact away for later and returns to the table where Garrus lies motionless.

"Don't you dare, Garrus," she orders her unconscious patient.

* * *

"Shepard, Doctor Chakwas wished to inform you she has succeeded at stabilizing Garrus Vakarian. She also said you should go to the medbay to get yourself checked." EDI's voice chimes in suddenly, startling Shepard.

Shepard blinks and looks around - she had almost forgotten where she is by now. The small hideout underneath Engineering has been almost completely silent, except for the quiet hum of the Normandy's core. After being sent away from the medbay, she had wandered around aimlessly, trying to get somewhere without prying eyes, somewhere quiet.

How long has she been here? Shepard looks at the Serrice Ice Brandy bottle she recovered from Miranda after the debrief. She had been absently peeling off the label and it's now almost completely gone.

Shepard suddenly notices how stiff she is. She has been curled up in the same posture for too long, and she never even got out of her armor, which is digging uncomfortably into several places. She considers going straight to the medbay, but refrains. She won't have the rest of her crew see her like this. She can't. Garrus is alive and stable, and that's enough for the moment. Shepard stands up and grabs the bottle. She will need a shower and a change of clothes before she goes to see Chakwas and gives out orders.

She is exhausted. Shepard leans her back on the elevator wall and closes her eyes, thinking she needs a day off. Around halfway of the ride to her cabin she notices her hands are shaking badly and looks down at them. She barely feels them and she can't stop them, it's like they belong to someone else. The bottle of brandy clatters to the floor but thankfully doesn't break. Then suddenly she chokes out a sob.

Shepard tries to muffle the sounds by burying her face in the crook of her elbow, but she can't stop. She slides to the floor, her free arm curling around herself.

This day just never ends. Too much has happened in so little time and she's being crushed by all of it.

The elevator arrives to the floor with a quiet chime and the doors open. Shepard looks up, startled, but there's no one around. There shouldn't be anyone here, anyway.

The hand around her middle section presses down over her still bruised ribs. The pain helps her focus and sober up. Shepard gets up, sways a little, and stabilizes with a hand on the wall. She picks up the bottle and drags her feet into her cabin.

She'll feel better after a shower.

Her armor is left haphazardly all over the floor, half of it on the way to the bathroom, the other half in a bathroom corner. The water is warm and wipes away the sweat and blood

( _blue blood, blue blood everywhere, so much of it, so much blood_ )

the stench and dirt of Omega.

Shepard starts shaking and claws at the shower wall for support. Her knees buckle and she ends up kneeling in her shower, her head bowed, trying not to hyperventilate.

Crying is easier than hyperventilating, so she does that. She cries until the hot water runs out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** Finding reflection in unexpected places.

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

 _Limbs lost to a dead weight stake_  
 _Skull cage like a prison_  
 _And he's lost faith he'll ever see again_  
 _So may he once thought of me then_

 _.-_

Jacob calls the elevator from the CIC, stopping Shepard on her way to the med bay about an hour after she broke down in the shower. She's feeling moderately better after letting it out, but not really whole. It will take a long time for her to feel whole again.

 _You'd think piecing and stitching herself back together would become easier with practice, and in a way it has: she knows how to sew and she knows she will succeed; but getting broken gets more unnerving and the edges more jagged each time - more pieces get lost in the confusion._

 _Shepard wonders what she will look like at the end of her reconstruction, inside and out. Is she anything besides patchwork by now?_

Jacob joins her in the elevator and launches an explanation about the installing of the armor upgrade he had recently suggested. It catches Shepard off guard, though she recovers quickly. The armor upgrade sounds nice, if also heavy and seriously expensive, but Shepard will go to any lengths to ensure this ship doesn't go down like her last one.

When Jacob finishes his explanation of the logistics - how long it will take to retrofit the Normandy, where it will be done, and how the process will work - Shepard has the certainty that it's a good idea and that Jacob is efficient and practical - all assets to their mission.

Jacob remains a bit of a puzzle, mostly because the man is guarded and evasive. Shepard doesn't believe there's anything overly complicated about him, though; the only problem with Jacob seems to be he doesn't seem to know what he wants in life: he is the kind that never seems to know when to settle down. She has known people like that before.

In the med bay they are greeted by doctor Chakwas trying to stare down a surprisingly alert-looking Garrus who looks ready to bolt. Shepard can't and doesn't even try to fight back a smile; she _needs_ to smile right now.

"Shepard," Garrus says, bowing his head slightly in greeting. His eyes seem a bit glassy, but he's grinning. At least, Shepard is fairly certain that is the turian version of a grin, with his mandibles spread wide - well, one more so than the other. "I was about to go find you."

"Tough son of a bitch." Jacob chuckles. "Didn't think he'd be up yet."

"Perhaps you can convince him to stay for the rest of the night, Commander," doctor Chakwas suggests drily.

Garrus snorts. "Shepard? Convince me to stay in the med bay? I'd like to see that," he dares her. She has never seen a turian look so goddamn _smug_ , not even Sparatus after the council had declared Saren innocent from the attack on Eden Prime the first time.

Shepard can't even pretend to look offended, she just keeps grinning until her face hurts. This is the best she has felt since coming back to life, like a huge weight has been lifted: something has finally turned out right. Not perfect, a small part of her brain reminds her as her eyes study the large bandage that now covers half of Garrus' face; not perfect, but good enough.

She has a member of her team, someone she knows will watch her back.

Garrus clears his throat and squares his shoulders. "So, no one will give me a mirror. How bad is it?" he asks in a carefully casual way.

* * *

The victory is short lived, though, far too short.

Garrus slips out of the med bay saying something about calibrations over his shoulder to a very unimpressed doctor Chakwas, who is busy scanning Shepard to study the state of her implants again. Cerberus' technology is a little too unknown for the doctor, a fact she very openly hates since it could get in her way of diagnosis in some unexpected way.

Shepard thinks Chakwas may be overreacting a bit; she doubts Cerberus rebuilt her with any glaring design flaws - if anything else, Miranda is too much of a perfectionist and too proud for that. She can't say how long that will last after her mission is complete, though; Shepard has no illusions about her expendability once her warranty has worn off.

Still, Shepard allows Chakwas to fuss over her for a little while. The implants, however foreign, seem to be in good working order, and Shepard's bruises and cuts from her adventure on Omega seem to be healing faster and nicer than before.

Once Chakwas is satisfied and lets her go, Shepard goes for one of her rounds around the ship: checking in on people instead of waiting for them to come to you always helps things run smoother in her experience. It also gives Garrus a little quiet and time to settle down and gather his thoughts - no matter how much Shepard can't wait to finally have a chance to talk with him, Garrus has been through a lot.

It doesn't surprise her that he went straight to the Main Battery: back on the first _Normandy,_ Garrus used to tweak away at the Mako after difficult missions. He helped with the Mako's maintenance after every drop; he enjoyed it and it also helped him bond with the human crew. But when things got especially dicey - doctor Saleon and Virmire came to mind -, he tweaked at it alone, for hours and hours. Shepard always thought it gave him a perfectly reasonable excuse to hide without appearing as if he was hiding.

Shepard herself had never found a good excuse to hide back on the old _Normandy_ \- even if she wanted to, she was freshly in charge and she was needed all the time. She guesses she could use a good one now.

They don't have a Mako anymore, to her vague disappointment, but Garrus did always like playing with giant guns.

When Shepard wanders into the Main Battery a few hours later, Garrus seems happy enough to see her and talk, so Shepard starts asking questions to fill what she's missed during the past two years. It doesn't take long for it to become obvious that Omega has left more than just physical scars on Garrus. He is far angrier than Shepard has ever seen him; it's a deeper, slower kind of rage, one that seeps into his bones and simmers, and is directed heavily against himself. Shepard knows it too well. It will take much for it to be extinguished, if it ever does.

 _Garrus used to complain about being unable to do his job, about the burden of his father's expectations and pointless rules and regulations, but those were the complaints of a sheltered boy, a young man trapped inside a nice little cage looking out at horrors which haunted him, but without being part of it. He was confined and wanted nothing more than to break free and run around kicking ass and taking names because he thought he could fix everything. Two years ago all he was guilty of was being restless and impulsive, now he carries the weight of 10 lives around his neck, his boyish excitement is lost and replaced with the bitter disappointment of a jaded soldier._

Garrus has been betrayed in one of the worst possible ways; he has been changed. He'd been on a different path the last time she'd seen him: he was back in C-Sec with a bolstered belief in making things right and not fast, as he'd said. It's sad to know how short-lived that belief was; somewhere between Shepard's death and Sidonis, Garrus went and dropped everything, only to lose what little he had managed to build by and for himself.

Shepard hears him list his failures, his thwarted hopes to just _make a difference_ , his outrage with how the weak are abused by the powerful, and sees there a spark of her old crewmate underneath all that frustration and self-recrimination – the old, young Garrus with his faith in justice and order, and his need to fix just a little of all that is wrong in the galaxy.

Just another reminder of the two years she missed and how much the universe has moved on without her; and how much she would give to have been there and avoid the fallout that her death had brought upon everyone on her team.

 _She broke them. She brought them all together in unlikely circumstances and as soon as she was gone, they disbanded._

 _Shows what_ she _knows. All she can build, all her creations are just absences and voids; deaths. Maybe a few bonds so fragile they can be broken at the first chance. All her heartfelt beliefs so pitiful and opaque they are discarded and forgotten as soon as she is out of sight._

* * *

Kasumi will never let Shepard forget how many times she had walked by her hacked ad terminal on Zakera Ward without noticing it; for some reason, the master thief decided there was no better way of contacting her than hacking one and calling Shepard's name. In her own defense, Shepard argues that everybody is used to ignoring the ads, since they call your name constantly to offer products you never really want.

 _(An asari burial robe? Really? Shepard had stared at the ad blankly, unsure of how to react, her temper flaring and a bitter laugh bubbling in her throat._

 _Garrus' snort had broken her trance, then the turian had bent his head to give her an amused look and a lopsided smirk. "Well, that sounds... classy. Should we get you one, Shepard? A late not-really-dying present?" Garrus said._

 _Shepard had punched him in the arm, but her face had finally thawed into a smile. "You're starting to sound like Joker," she warned him._

 _Garrus had clutched his chest. "Ouch! That's low, Shepard. Really low.")_

If it wasn't for Jacob, who was the first to pay attention to Kasumi's bored voice calling over and over for Shepard, she would have taken even longer to find it.

Shepard looks down at the dress Kasumi gave her to try on before the party on Bekenstein next week, perplexed. She can only hope Kasumi's plan, the details of which Kasumi hasn't shared yet, works well enough that she doesn't have to fight in it – it's a nice dress and she would hate to ruin it. Also, probably uncomfortable as hell to fight in; even if it fits her pretty well (which it does), it's still a dress.

Shepard looks at her reflection, at the glowing scars that still litter her face. Chakwas had mentioned that a positive attitude, positive thoughts, would help heal them. Shepard doesn't want to think about what it means that there only seem to be even more webbing scars across her face.

She is somewhat surprised of how much she misses her old scars, against all odds. They were _hers_ , hard won through hardships, battles, maybe one or two drunken mishaps and some silly accidents

( _an almost faded scar on her foot for knocking over some of her parents' farming tools, a curved one over her elbow from a time her sister had unexpectedly jumped on her back and sent them both promptly to the ground, several scars on her knees from countless falls_ ).

Even the one across her face, the one that went from her eyebrow and over her nose, which always got questions she never wanted to answer; even if she had hated it and what it reminded her of, now she doesn't recognize her own face without it.

The eerie orange glow of the implants has nothing on her previous real scars; they reminded her of people and places and events that held some meaning - even the silly accidents. They had history and offered memories, they grounded her. The implants, the unnatural glow under her new smooth skin and around her eyes just make her doubt if she is even human anymore.

Shepard retraces the old, missing scar from her face. She's not even sure where it began; was it from the middle or the inner corner of her eyebrow? She saw it every day for over ten years and now she isn't sure of where it started. Shepard closes her eyes, gripping the edge of the sink and tries to swallow another desperate keening sound, tries to focus on her breathing.

She tries to remember, but she can't focus. She doesn't recognize her own face, but can't remember what it looked like. She could look for a picture of herself but that's just sad, needing a picture of her own face to recall who or what she used to be.

Who or what she is _supposed_ to have been: Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy, First Human Spectre.

 _She can't even remember her old scar, her old face, how can she be certain she is who she is supposed to be? How can she be sure she is not some sort of high tech VI or AI if she doesn't know something as simple as that? The memories of her family are faded, they could be faked, implanted; without the scars how can she be sure any of that truly happened?_

 _(Breathe. Just... breathe. Just keep breathing.)_

The inside of her arms are red and swollen again from scratching and she needs to stop.

* * *

If she hadn't seen it for herself, Shepard wouldn't have believed that a tiny, bald girl could crush three Atlas mechs with just her bare fists and biotics - and she would have been wrong.

Chasing Jack is easy because the woman has left a trail of destruction like that of a hurricane in her wake. Garrus remarks something about Jack being powerful but lacking focus, which is a huge understatement in Shepard's opinion, but she doesn't get a chance to reply before they're under fire again.

She signals Garrus to use his sniper rifle while she and Miranda work at lowering the guard's shields. Shepard is quite happy with the advances in tech programs (except for how omni-gel is suddenly _not_ a thing anymore); so far, one of the few things she has liked about

( _being dead_ )

not being around for two years is having a long list of updates and new programs to search through, and Garrus has been more than happy to discuss them and give some advice here and there. Just like old times.

Her favorite has to be, by far, the Tech Armor. It would have gotten in the way of her sniping back in the old days (it _glows bright orange_ ), but since she's pretty damn useless with a sniper rifle at the moment (a fact that still doesn't fail to open a pit of desperation in her stomach), Shepard has turned to use it as an insurance now that she has been forced to fight at closer range than she's used to.

Her new biotics, on the other hand, are still in training. And although Jacob has made good on his promise to help with them, at the moment Shepard's biotics are still far weaker than anyone else's on her team, and therefore she hasn't come to rely on them yet. Also, she keeps forgetting she has them in the first place.

"Heavy mech!" Garrus warns from his perch, and Shepard immediately dives for cover, even before she can fully understand the meaning of the words. Working in synch is just one more thing she likes of working with someone she already knows and trusts.

Shepard hates, she _hates_ that her aim has failed her so badly, and her own stubborn need to carry her rifle with her even when she knows she can't use it, all of which amounts to her fighting a heavy mech with a heavy pistol and a submachine gun that is so terribly inaccurate.

She is a precision shooter. She waits for the right moment, she finds the chink in the armor and lines her sights there. She knows the reward of the buildup, and the unparalleled pleasure of neutralizing her target with a single, well placed and well timed shot. She knows of patience, of catching openings, and how taking the chance in the right moment changes everything, and how screwing it up can ruin everything.

Now, she has been forced to fight much closer, all the time, and the violence feels much more real, much more visceral. Or perhaps it's her, the change inside her: something still rattles like a loose bolt; she is not assembled well enough to be on the field, and yet here she is, dodging poorly thought out ambushes and bullets.

The mech is focused on Miranda, and Shepard sends it an Overload charge before shooting

( _keep firing, don't remove your finger from the trigger, don't count the bullets, spray them and hope you hit them like Liara did_ )

and takes cover when a missile goes flying right over her head, missing her by half an inch.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_.

"Garrus!" Shepard calls breathlessly. "Fry it!"

"Overload ready," he replies. A second later, he adds: "Shields are down."

"Miranda, warp!" Shepard orders as she comes out of cover and resumes firing. The mech is much closer than she remembered and it startles her, but she shoots anyway, even as it looms over her. She's trapped, she can't leave cover right now. It's too late to run.

"Firing high impact shot!" Garrus warns as he takes aim; he hits the mech squarely in the head, forcing it to stumble a step backwards. "Shepard, go!"

She doesn't have to be told twice; Shepard makes a beeline to the closest cover spot she sees. Her legs are shaking and her lungs seem too small. She can fight well enough, but running still is way too hard for her newly resurrected body.

 _Her legs have failed her as well, like her hands and her lungs, the constant itching under her skin._

As Shepard reaches her new cover, her Tech Armor gives out with a crack, sending out an energy pulse (yes, she is very fond of this new gadget) which makes the heavy mech rear back again, and Garrus hisses loudly through the comm a second later.

Shepard turns to look at Garrus, can't place him for a terribly long moment, and finally locales a bit of his armor sticking out from behind his perch.

"Garrus!" Shepard calls, dashing out towards him, ducking from cover to cover as much as she can on the way. She hears him trying to give a reply through clenched teeth and a pained gasp, but Shepard doesn't listen, too distracted by the mech firing at her again and too scared to stop and think.

Miranda calls her name in an incredibly annoyed tone, and adds something that sounds suspiciously like an order, all of which Shepard completely ignores and keeps going.

Shepard's shields are about give out again - she realizes belatedly that she forgot to restart her Tech Armor, _dammit, dammit -_ and Shepard attempts one of the moves Jacob has being trying to teach her with some success: she punches the air and a biotic throw flies towards the mech, hopefully to give her a moment of respite before her shields crash and the bullets turn her into a colander...

The biotic throw hits the mech and it _explodes_. Shepard gawks at it from behind her cover spot and for a moment forgets to run. She has never managed _that_ while training before.

Shepard thinks of running again, but Garrus is not far now and the mech probably can't take much more fire before crashing, so she takes a deep breath and fires her gun. Miranda shoots at the mech, too, and soon it breaks down and blows up into pieces.

Shepard scans the area and doesn't see any more guards or inmates. She rushes to where Garrus is finally sitting up from where he had been tightly curled up in a defensive posture. He is muttering and cursing under his breath, which is all in all a good sign.

"You okay?" Shepard asks, crouching beside him. Garrus' talons are covered in blue blood, which is slowly trickling from his torn and singed bandage.

Garrus looks at her with a frown, his body still tense, but clears his throat and somehow manages to sound only mildly annoyed. "Yeah. I, er, caught a little on fire."

Shepard stares at him, dumbfounded, before a loud snort escapes her. She covers her mouth, trying to regain her composure, but only succeeds at losing some of her balance and laughing even harder.

Garrus blinks slowly, seeming more confused than anything. Shepard clears her throat and forces her smile to subside. "Sorry. How's your face?"

Garrus still looks puzzled, but shrugs and turns his head to show her. "Not that bad. I tried to put the fire out and ended up ripping the bandage off - _that_ ended up hurting a lot more, though."

Shepard nods and grimaces in sympathy. "Medi-gel?" she asks, standing up and offering her hand. Garrus takes it and she pulls him up.

"Already used some. Still stings, but should stop bleeding any second now," Garrus replies.

Shepard puts a hand on his arm with a questioning look and Garrus answers with a nod that means ' _I'm good to go._ ' He picks up his sniper rifle and ejects the spent thermal clip.

"Hey, did you see that? I made the mech explode," Shepard comments with a grin. "Not sure how."

"That would be a biotic explosion, Commander," Miranda pipes in. She's walking up to them with an openly irritated expression on her face. "Most biotic powers can form unstable chain reactions when applied to the same subject. Especially warp."

Shepard glances at her. Miranda's uniform looks a bit singed as well, and yet she looks completely flawless, not a hair out of place, by one of those miracles of grace that seem to always happen to people like Miranda.

"Good to know," Shepard replies in perhaps a slightly cooler voice than she would use with anyone else on her team. She's alienating Miranda, something that Shepard knows she shouldn't be doing, but it keeps slipping out anyway.

Shepard gestures at the hole at the far side of the room they're in, the continuation of Jack's path of destruction. "We need to keep going."

* * *

Jack is not what any of them expected. It's not the tattoos or the attitude; those are hardly a surprise from someone who was codenamed The Convict. Jack is like a force of nature: powerful, unfocused, and destructive, even when she doesn't mean to be; but more importantly, Jack is as fragile as she is hard, a fact that is painfully obvious for all to see.

There are a thousand tells about Jack that talk about abuse and loneliness, though she stubbornly tries to disguise her wounds and her sadness and her fear as anger. Rage pours out of her in waves, like her biotics, and Shepard wonders how she manages not to drown in it.

 _Shepard's sure she would have drowned in her own rage, after Mindoir, after Akuze, if it hadn't been for the Alliance and Anderson. She was so close, so close to the losing herself, only she had an institution and a duty to pull her from the edge._

 _Now, though? Now all she has is a ship filled with people who put their faith in her and expect nothing short of miracles in return. They expect her to save humanity, and she's pinned under the direction of a manipulative, xenophobic man who wields her like a sword and a shield against monsters._

Perhaps the most unexpected thing is that Shepard likes her, despite all their differences - it catches Shepard completely unaware. Jack rages against the whole universe, and Shepard thinks she understands why. She never would have expected to understand someone like Jack, and yet she's probably the only one who could come even close in the whole damn ship.

If Cerberus hadn't erased them, they could probably compare scars.

There's something unfinished about Jack: so many open seams waiting to be closed. Shepard isn't naïve enough to believe she can be to Jack what Anderson was to her; even without a suicide mission looming over their heads and rushing them to the finish line, she's never been the nurturing type - not to the extent Jack needs. But she can try.

At the very least, she can try to understand.

* * *

"Shepard, may we have a word?"

It really doesn't sound like a question. Shepard replies with a nod and follows Miranda into her cabin.

She has an idea of what this is about.

"While I don't usually bother to address disagreements, this seems too important to leave unattended," Miranda begins, crossing her arms in a severe stance. Shepard mimics her posture and waits for it. "We need to have a working professional relationship. It seems to me that is not the case."

Shepard just raises her eyebrows for a moment. "You don't? And why do you think that is?"

Miranda lets out a frustrated sigh and uncrosses her arms. She begins pacing behind her desk. "Really? Playing coy isn't your style, Shepard."

Shepard shrugs. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she says with a smirk. Miranda gives her a sidelong glare. Shepard rolls her eyes a little and shakes her head. "You're not good at this, are you? What is it, too used to being in charge?"

Miranda takes a deep breath and opens her mouth, but then refrains and lets out a sigh. "I - Yes, I am," she admits grudgingly. "Alright, here: we should have told you about the implants. But we didn't. Between Wilson's betrayal and the Collectors it may have slipped my mind."

"May have?" Shepard repeats, disbelieving. She knows she's pushing it now, but she can't help it.

 _May have?_

"Yes, it may have. Even _I_ can't remember everything," Miranda replies crossly, and isn't that an interesting emphasis she just used there. "Regardless, that is already behind us and we need to focus on our mission."

Shepard frowns at her. "Really? That's how you apologize to people? How about actually using the word 'sorry'?" she dares, because Miranda has to be crazy to think she will let it go that easily.

"Now you're being childish," Miranda replies coolly.

"How is it childish to expect an actual apology? All I need is the word 'sorry'. Not really that hard, is it?" Shepard presses.

Miranda's shoulders tense and she shakes her head. "Fine. I'm sorry, Shepard," she finally relinquishes, her eyes firmly fixed on a point behind Shepard's shoulder. "Now can we keep working like adults to stop this threat?"

Shepard tilts her head, thoughtfully regarding Miranda. There's clearly an issue between her and asking for forgiveness - hardly surprising from someone who is such a perfectionist.

"Alright," Shepard says uncrossing her arms, not because it's actually alright but because this is the most she will get out of the other woman. "Though actually the adult thing to do is to admit one's mistakes."

"Really?" Miranda says sarcastically, sitting back in her chair. She stares at Shepard for a moment.

"Yes, really. It's not easy, but it's the only way to have people respect and not just fear you," Shepard points out before turning around. She's almost at the door when Miranda speaks again.

"It wasn't my choice." Miranda's voice is grave, and when Shepard turns to look at her, the other woman is staring into her screen like it had personally offended her. Miranda's mouth is a tight line. "The modifications. They were not my choice."

Shepard turns around and waits; there is a story here that she probably needs to hear.

Miranda tells her about her father, about his obsession with having a legacy and his need for control. She mentions how he never gave without strings attached, how severe and impossibly high his demands were.

 _A taunt about how Miranda seems to have turned exactly into her father forms around her tongue, but Shepard discards it after a second. No point unsettling the precarious balance they have just established, no point throwing the difficult admission back into Miranda's face._

 _There's no reason to be that unkind. Ever._

This time Shepard takes the peace offering and thanks Miranda for it.

* * *

"Oh, dammit," Garrus mutters in complete dismay. "Of course."

Shepard grins at him. She wondered how long it would take for him to notice.

"What?" Jack asks him, irritated. She pulls at her breather mask and huffs. "This thing sucks, Shepard. It keeps sliding off. So, what are we waiting for, ladies?" she adds, pointing at the brand new M-44 Hammerhead they've just found in the Cerberus dig site. "I wanna get out of this hellhole."

Garrus ignores her and stares at Shepard. "I should have known. That's why you brought me."

Shepard gives him a really not-at-all innocent smile and shrug. Not that he can see it with the helmet in the way, but still. "I have no idea what you're talking about. There could have been anything down here," she says and follows Jack into the vehicle.

" _Riiight_. Of course you don't," Garrus replies sarcastically, but follows her anyway. Not like he has many other options if he wants to leave this Spirits forsaken planet.

It takes Jack all of three minutes to realize why Garrus tightened his belt as much as possible and is clinging to his seat like a giant spiky cat.

"Who the fuck taught you to drive, Shepard?!" she demands while she tries to hold for dear life to anything she can grab in the backseat. "Stop this thing!"

Shepard slows to a halt. The Hammerhead is a lot more stable than the Mako, with its jet thrusters, but if there's one thing that Shepard will always have, it's is a knack for finding a way to drive any vehicle in the worst possible way. The Hammerhead may be stable, but it is fast and nimble, which makes it good for daring stunts and sudden jumps. And more importantly, Shepard has yet to discover an inertial dampener she can't beat.

"I told you to buckle up," Garrus says over his shoulder, his tone way too amused.

"Yeah, yeah, bite me," Jack mutters distractedly as she struggles with her seatbelts. "You didn't tell me she drives like a drunk vorcha," she says accusingly.

"Ah, well, I figured you'd come to realize it soon enough," Garrus replies smoothly. "And, anyway, this is much better than the Mako. The Mako had _wheels_." Jack doesn't reply, so Garrus insists. "Think about it. _Wheels_? And Shepard has only one way to drive: in a straight line, right over every single rock, chasm and mountain between us and the objective."

"That's what the eezo core was for," Shepard points out, waving a hand in dismissal. She surveys the terrain between them and their next objective. "Think we can make a leaping jump for that?"

Garrus sighs heavily, mostly for show, Shepard thinks, but nods anyway. "Sure. I think that might work. But please don't kill us?" Garrus adds in a pleading tone, inclining his head towards her.

Shepard grins widely. "Oh, don't pretend you don't like it," she tells him before stepping on the gas pedal. "Now, let's see if this boost feature works."

Jack will deny it later, but she starts yelling obscenities as they are launched at a maddening speed. Garrus meanwhile clutches his seat, probably digging holes into it with his talons, but he leans forward in predatory anticipation; he does enjoy a good ride, no matter how much he complains.

At the last minute they jump. They glide. They soar majestically -for about half a second- but in that second they are _free_.

They land safely on the other side and Shepard starts laughing maniacally and is joined by Garrus' cheering and Jack's continued loud swearing.

"Fuck you, I'm never getting in this thing again!" Jack declares.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** Breaking is sometimes necessary to put things back together again. "Anger was better than tears, better than grief, better than guilt."― George R.R. Martin, _A Feast for Crows_

 **Notes:** Non-binary asari, because... well, they _are_ non-binary, Liara says as much and, obviously, when you are of a mono-gendered species then you _don't have binary_. I would actually pay for a ME patch that changed all dialog about asari from female pronouns to some form of NB pronouns.

NB pronouns used for asari: xe, xir, xir, xirs, xirself. As listed here.

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

 _Your disguise is slipping,  
I think you're slipping._

 _.-_

Shepard has a bad feeling the whole journey to Bekenstein, the planet where the party Kasumi wants to sneak in to steal her deceased lover's graybox is happening. Just the fact that she only has Kasumi as backup (or rather, she is the only backup Kasumi has) is enough to make her more than a little uneasy. Three is Shepard's magic number.

Either way, the fact is she's basically alone - Kasumi trails her while cloaked as best as she can, but Shepard still _looks_ like she's alone, so she's forced to mingle with mercs and criminal bosses who discuss drug trafficking, slavery and other heinous operations casually over drinks and bites of overly-expensive food. Honestly, Shepard would gladly

( _shoot them all between the eyes and be rid of them_ )

rain down the Alliance on them and have them all arrested, but she has to keep face. So she tries to keep her disgust from her face and relax the muscles of her back because she is supposed to be enjoying this party.

There is _some_ gratification in hearing mobsters discuss Commander Shepard's return without them knowing she's three feet away, or Archangel's supposed death. But Shepard doesn't truly enjoy the party up until the moment she and Kasumi have managed to get into Donovan Hock's vault. He was expecting them and launches into a monologue about how he will make them pay, so Shepard shoots one of Hock's horrible-yet-expensive art pieces just to shut him up. And it feels _good_.

 _It says something (or actually a lot) about where she is now, but Shepard refuses to dwell on it. She doesn't have the time or the energy to do more than dodge and keep running. If she stops -Shepard knows somewhere deep down- if she stops for more than a second she will break, fall down and she won't get up again. Better to keep the momentum, keep her eyes firmly locked ahead and never ever look back._

After Hock is dead and their mission accomplished, Kasumi spends most of their ride back to the _Normandy_ focused on Keiji's graybox. Shepard stares down at her hands, trying to decide what she should say about recorded Keiji's request for Kasumi to destroy the memory device.

Keiji says he discovered something too dangerous, that it will make her a target. Kasumi, though, seems far more interested in their shared memories stored in the graybox than any Alliance secret.

Shepard has no doubt what the Illusive Man or Hackett would do, if for different reasons: the Illusive Man would destroy the graybox because the information in it threatens humanity's place in the galaxy; and Hackett would destroy it because it implicates the Alliance. They would do this because they are both strategists, used to looking at the big picture, looking at the world from above like a chess board.

Shepard rubs her face and lets out an angry sigh. Well, she's not either of them; she's not even Alliance anymore. More importantly, she is stuck somewhere between pure strategy and direct action: she has to look at the big picture but also has to live and work with the people she commands, people she is leading into a suicide mission no less, and she has to try to keep them both focused and hopeful if they are to succeed.

( _But what would it be like, holding the memories of a loved one in her hand and accessing them at will? Her father's or her mother's memories? Her siblings' memories? Ashley's? Her unit lost on Akuze? They would hurt and they would be more precious to her than most worldly possessions. Would that be a liability? Would she be willing to risk her own life and other people's just for emotional comfort?_ )

Does the Alliance even deserve to be protected from the consequences of something they did? Because the information wouldn't be so dangerous if it weren't true. Is the truth more important that damaging the Alliance's credibility when a Reaper invasion is going to happen at any moment?

The Shepard from before, the Shepard that died on the first _Normandy_ , would have thought so - the Truth (with capital T) was always more important than any political machinations to her, without question. This Shepard, though, isn't so sure - dying had a way of changing a person's perspective. The Truth has complicated Shepard's life more often than not, the Truth had gotten her killed because the Council insisted on sending her away into deep space just to shut her up.

 _Fuck the Truth. Fuck the Council. Fuck the Alliance. Fuck the Illusive Man and fuck Hackett too. They aren't here, they aren't risking their necks and pouring sweat, tears and blood from a barely resurrected and not even fully human body; they aren't close to snapping under the strain caused by the weight of the many responsibilities she is juggling and her own fractured mind._

Shortly before arriving at the _Normandy_ , Shepard walks up to Kasumi and touches her arm to get the other woman's attention.

Shepard clears her throat. "Have you decided what to do with it?"

Kasumi nods and looks down at the graybox cradled protectively in her hands.

"I think I want to keep it. It's all I have left of Keiji."

Shepard expected as much. "I think it's your decision. As long as you're willing to accept the risks," she adds, because there's no point pretending there aren't any.

Kasumi smiles and her shoulders relax. She promises she'll go off the grid, she'll disappear and the information will be safe; and Shepard can't be sure she is making the right decision for the Alliance and humanity, but she's sure Kasumi is happy.

It's probably stupid to trust a thief, but maybe Kasumi needs that trust. Or perhaps Shepard needs to trust in her, or perhaps she needs to let the chips fall where they may and distance herself from the responsibility of humanity and the Alliance. She is just one woman. She's not Alliance anymore; she's barely even human anymore. All she has is her ship and her crew and an insanely huge task to accomplish at whatever cost, so they are and will be her only priority.

* * *

It isn't until they are aboard the _Normandy_ and already setting course to find Doctor Okeer, the krogan warlord, that Shepard realizes she never even thought of counting Liara among her loved ones.

Of course, Liara isn't dead, but when trying to think of loved ones, xir name never comes up - in fact, Shepard hasn't spent much time thinking about Liara since she woke up, and realizing it is not a surprise but it still comes as a blow to the face.

Guilt pools heavy in her stomach. She is not a good person.

* * *

Jacob is a better teacher than Shepard expected. His instructions on how to use her new biotics aren't the most clear, but he is patient and on occasion he even shows some sense of humor. They try to practice when on firm land, but they don't have much time to spend on shore leave between missions, just a few hours here and there to restock and purchase new things - therefore, they end up practicing in the cargo bay most times. They even have set up a small improvised gym. It's also used by other crewmembers, and especially by Jack, who is there almost every day, according to EDI.

The first time Jack walks in on them practicing, she scoffs at Shepard's poor technique.

"Fuck, you look like a rookie, Shepard," Jack throws over her shoulder as she walks past them to study their various dumbbells. "Can't even make a decent throw? Shit, I thought the Alliance knew what they were doing."

Shepard lowers the crate she had been levitating as gently as she can, which isn't much. She shrugs and carefully thinks over her words, but doesn't turn to look at Jack.

"Well, I _am_ a rookie - I never had biotic powers until now. For some reason, Cerberus disagreed with that."

Jack goes completely still before turning around sharply.

"What?" she barks.

Jacob gives Shepard a concerned look and she points at the door with her eyes. ' _You should leave while you can_ ' _,_ she thinks. Jacob stays.

Shepard turns to look at Jack. "You heard I died, right? Well, Cerberus stole my dead body and brought me back to life. With a few modifications to boot. Biotics are one of those."

' _You should have run, Jacob_ ', Shepard thinks with maybe too much satisfaction as Jack stomps up to them.

She shouldn't have done it, she knows. She knows she shouldn't be causing or widening rifts among her crew members, quite the opposite, but for a blessed moment Shepard doesn't care. She doesn't want to forgive and she doesn't want to care if it wasn't Jacob's fault.

 _Cerberus did this to me. Cerberus did this to me and I hate it._

But then - because even if she's selfish, she is still in command - Shepard steps between them and cuts Jack's path.

"Jacob is training me," Shepard says, crossing her arms.

"Yeah? How do you know they didn't mess with you?" Jack asks, ignoring Shepard's words. Her eyes are wide and scared, even as she paces in a show of indignation. "Did something to you, to control you? I know how they work," she adds darkly, eyeing Jacob with complete mistrust.

' _I don't, and it's killing me_ ', Shepard thinks, but instead she replies: "If you think they are, you can stop me. But for the moment, all I need is to complete this mission."

Jack still looks spooked, and Shepard would huff if she didn't know that Cerberus has been hunting her for years, so Jack's paranoia may not be entirely unwarranted.

"I just need you to stick around long enough to finish this, Jack," Shepard reminds her, her voice sounding much more calm and steady than she has felt since this whole thing started. Shepard has always been good at acting in front of scared or wavering soldiers. "You still up for that?"

Jack keeps pacing for a moment. Then she points a finger straight at Shepard's nose. "If this is a trap - if you're trying to bring me back..."

"Neither I nor Garrus works for Cerberus; or Doctor Chakwas or Joker, for that matter. Not really. If you ever doubt me, go to them - they would never let me take you anywhere," Shepard says, fully aware this will get to the Illusive Man's ears soon enough and not caring one tiny bit. "You are far more powerful than Jacob or me; I can hardly manage biotic throws as it is. So really, you could kill us faster than we could betray you."

"You're damn right!" Jack exclaims, crossing her arms. She's still tense, but has finally stopped pacing. "I would kill everyone on this ship before I let you take me."

"I know," Shepard replies with a nod, knowing any speeches about her thoughts and feelings about Cerberus won't mean anything to Jack right now. "And there's no way I'm risking that."

Jack hesitates, apparently surprised at the turn of events. "Good," she finally concedes. "Whatever, Shepard. As long as you know you don't wanna fuck with me." Jack turns around and heads to the gym again. "But if you really think they aren't trying to control you, think again. You can't trust Cerberus," she adds over her shoulder.

Jacob gives Shepard a confused and angry look. "Excuse me, but what the hell, Commander?" he demands.

Shepard shrugs, fighting a mirthless smile. She shouldn't have done that, and even if it turned out better than she could have hoped for, she didn't really think about it or had a plan beforehand.

"She would have found out sooner or later. Better to hear it from me," Shepard replies in an impatient tone which usually works nicely to avoid subordinates questioning her.

Jacob doesn't even flinch, though. Shepard hadn't really expected him to.

"Think you could have found a better way to tell her? Some way that didn't risk her blowing a hole in the ship's hull and killing us all?"

"She didn't," Shepard points out brilliantly.

"She might have. You dumped that on her out of nowhere, knowing how she feels about Cerberus," Jacob insists, shaking his head. "What are you playing at, Shepard?"

Shepard's head snaps to him before she even realizes or knows what she's going to say.

"Playing? I'm not playing at anything, Taylor," she sneers in a cold voice, and suddenly she can't stop. "Unlike the Illusive Man when he decided to play god and stick some new upgrades in me while rebuilding me! You know, because why not?" she points at her head and her unnaturally glowing eyes. Her breathing is coming fast, too fast, and she needs to reign it in soon before she triggers the panic attack that has been brewing inside her since this started. "Or when he killed my whole unit on Akuze. Without any. Damn. Reason."

Jacob just blinks and it's painfully obvious he doesn't get it, he doesn't realize how horrifying it is to be experimented on, to be prodded and picked apart and pulled together, even if not conscious of it, until you were left staring at your body like a stranger because it doesn't feel like it used to be, like it should be, but you can't even point out why or how. Or the horror of realizing they pushed biotics on her by playing with her brain and who knows what else.

Shepard takes one deep (and slightly shaky) breath.

"You know what? I'm done for today," she says coldly. "Get back to your post, Taylor."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Jacob replies with just enough formality that Shepard can't accuse him of being out of line.

Shepard focuses on slowing her breathing and heart rate as he leaves, if only to hold back her temper and avoid pursuing a fight with Jacob that would accomplish nothing.

Jack snorts loudly from her bench.

"Asshole," she says. Shepard has to resist the desire to nod emphatically in agreement. "Don't waste your breath on Cerberus types, they're all brainwashed."

"Seems about right," Shepard mutters.

"Doesn't mean you're not. Brainwashed, I mean," Jack adds.

Shepard rotates her shoulders and thinks about it. Despite the constant thought that keeps popping into her head at the worst possible moments about how Cerberus might have tampered with her memory, it _is_ true she keeps disagreeing with them on a regular basis. When she's calm enough to rationalize it, she knows they have not messed with her so thoroughly.

(When she's not calm enough, though, it keeps making her chest feel too small and her body too alien.)

"I doubt it. Most of it still sounds like bullshit," she counters. "All of it, really, except the part about the colonies. Doctor Chakwas also says they didn't implant a control chip or anything they could kill me with."

Not that that information reassures Shepard completely. Not all the time, at least.

Jack raises her eyebrows and lowers the (frankly, ridiculously big) weights she's been lifting.

"Thought about that too, huh?"

"Hard not to," Shepard admits with a shrug.

Jack laughs and shakes her head. "Alright, so maybe you're not completely stupid." Shepard gives her a mostly unimpressed look. Jack stands up and walks up to her, stretching her neck from side to side "So, what can you do, rookie? Besides being shit at throws."

Shepard opens her mouth, hesitates and finally decides to go for: "You wanna, what, spar?"

Jack gives her a wicked and unsettling grin. "If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn't tell you first." Not the most reassuring thing to say, but whatever, Shepard recognizes boasting from a mile away. "No, just wondering what you got, Shepard."

Shepard crosses her arms and grins right back. It's been a while since she has done this whole bravado thing with someone she didn't mean to kill.

"Not all that much with biotics. I am still a better shot than you, though," Shepard drawls.

* * *

Jack is, to Shepard's complete surprise, a better teacher than Jacob.

Even if her methods include chasing Shepard through the cargo bay throwing shockwaves at her until Shepard manages to hit her back.

* * *

Shepard can't say she understands Cerberus' criteria for suggesting new crewmembers to her. More often than not, it seems she has to get them out of dangerous situations before they can be of any help to her and her mission.

The krogan warlord, Doctor Okeer, is on the starcraft cemetery world of Korlus - maybe as a prisoner of the Blue Suns, maybe not. Either way, Shepard has to shoot her way through endless mercs and "imperfect" krogan clones (whatever that means), and Shepard is getting quite annoyed with the Blue Suns' leader, Jedore, and her shrill voice that keeps being broadcasted through loudspeakers.

When they enter a small office, deep inside the Blue Suns base, someone hiding under a desk calls out to them.

"Shepard, don't shoot! You know me!" An asari crawls out of xir hiding spot, seeming almost annoyed at them.

That's new. Most other people run or shoot at them, they don't stop long enough to glare at Shepard.

Xe identifies as Rana Thanoptis, says they met on Virmire. Shepard doesn't really remember xir at first - too many things happened on Virmire, all at once -, but manages to place xir a little after Rana tries to refresh her memory: Rana, worked for Saren, studied indoctrination in captured salarians - and xir own predecessor. Maybe acted under coercion, maybe not.

Shepard asks about Warlord Okeer and what he is trying to accomplish with the krogan clones, but Rana says xe doesn't know much besides that Okeer is not working on a genophage cure. Xe insists that xe was trying to repay the debt xe acquired on Virmire and live up the second chance Shepard gave xir.

Shepard looks at Rana and wonders what she was thinking when she let the asari go. Why would she do that? Why would she believe someone like xir would ever actually do something to redeem xirself?

 _Was I really that naïve? What was I thinking?_

 _Who_ was _I?_

Shepard grips her pistol and clenches her teeth. Her pulse is quickening and the world is getting out of focus again, sliding sideways, edges fading.

She is furious. She is desperate.

"Time to run again, Rana. You never know what I might blow up next," Shepard manages to say with a grin that's almost a grimace.

"Suppose I can't expect a warm goodbye after the last mess," Rana says. "Don't worry, I'm staying the hell away from whatever you do or wherever you go." Rana walks past Shepard's team, looking so damn _calm_ , and throws a brief glance back at them over xir shoulder. "Thanks anyway, Shepard."

Shepard scowls, rage coursing through her. Whatever she had been thinking on Virmire, she had been wrong, so wrong. Why had she bothered to even offer the asari a chance of escaping when xe would clearly never change? When xe somehow keeps on falling in with madmen and mercenaries? How can xe look at Shepard in the eye and say xe's using this second chance to do better?

 _Cerberus has certainly not changed, no matter what they say. They never will._

"I'm all for second chances," Garrus notes casually, staring at Rana's form with a slightly disgusted expression. "Not so sure about third ones, though."

Shepard takes out her gun in a swift move and shoots. Rana's head jolts forwards and xe collapses on the ground like a puppet whose strings have been cut.

Both Garrus and Jack startle and turn to stare at Shepard. None of them had noticed her draw.

"Me neither," Shepard mutters as she turns away from the dead asari and her team. She gestures towards the door. "Let's move."

* * *

The krogan in the tank is a surprise. Shepard doesn't completely understand Okeer's reasoning for creating him or for dying, or why this krogan is supposed to be perfect. Krogan are generally pretty easy to figure out, they usually are moved by a passion for violence and strength - this doesn't make any sense, for a krogan or for any other race, really.

Shepard paces in front of the tank. She knows she shouldn't take the krogan out for oh, so many safety reasons. But she is curious, she wants to know what she has in there. She also can't imagine being in a tank, like a fish, like some sort of trophy or decoration. It's a fate she wouldn't wish for anyone - conscious or not.

She has her gun, but she should still warn someone, just in case this backfires in some horrible way. And it _might_ \- a charging krogan is a force to be reckoned with, she sure knows it. But most of the people on the ship would try to stop her, and she can't have that.

Shepard instructs EDI to be on alert and call all of her team members if things get ugly. EDI argues - sounding incredibly annoyed for an AI - that "ugly" is not a definition she can correctly quantify, but Shepard ignores that and orders her to open the tank.

The krogan charges, of course - and really, that was so predictable it annoys Shepard a lot more than it worries her. After he gives himself a name - Grunt - he challenges her to fight, and really, this could not get any more cliché: he does seem to be the embodiment of the krogan stereotype, if nothing else.

She knows krogan and is not about to look intimidated, so she asks him why he wants her to kill him.

"Want? I do what I'm meant to - fight and reveal the strongest. Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want," the krogan says. He explains Okeer's imprinting failed and his reasons are not valid to him. "Without a reason that's mine, one fight is as good as any other. Might as well start with you."

Fighting because it seems like the only thing to do, just for the hell of it, now that is something Shepard knows a thing or two about. It's also something she can use. So she does what Anderson once did for her, when she was left aimless and angry after the slaver raid in Mindoir that killed her entire family: she offers the krogan, Grunt, a purpose. She promises him worthy enemies, at least - they have plenty of those after all.

Grunt finds it acceptable.

"Glad you saw reason," Shepard drawls and presses her gun, which he hadn't noticed yet, deeper into his side.

Grunt laughs at that. And perhaps Shepard should be more concerned that she laughs too.

* * *

Chakwas scolds her for several minutes about her recklessness for letting Grunt out of his tank while she makes sure the krogan didn't do any serious damage to her when he slammed her against the wall. Shepard lets her, because being fussed over is a rare event, and she knows the minute she tells her to stop, Chakwas will back off.

What Shepard doesn't expect, though, is what the doctor says then. "You have been acting even more recklessly than usual, Shepard. I think you should talk to Chambers."

The commander stands up abruptly. "No."

"Yes. I am concerned—"

"No," Shepard repeats, grabbing her jacket and putting it back on. She had made sure her long-sleeved undershirt covered the half healed scratch marks before coming to the med bay, and she's relieved about that now.

"You can't "tough it up," Commander. Not when you are in charge. Too much depends on you," Chakwas reminds her. As if she doesn't know.

"Thank you," Shepard mutters before escaping the med bay.

Shepard will _not_ go to Kelly Chambers, not only because Kelly believes in Cerberus, but because Shepard has had her fill of therapists for a lifetime - or two, in her case. It's not that she believes she doesn't need help (she'd be stupid to think so), it's just… now, right now in the rush to accomplish what everybody knows is a suicide mission is not the time to do the whole painful procedure of opening up and exposing all that is wrong for someone else to gawk at.

Also, Kelly unsettles her - she's hard to read. How much of her is naïveté, and how much manipulation? Shepard honestly can't tell.

Kelly sees too much and gives very little, a very odd mix of cunning and sweet. She has flirted with her from the start and Shepard flirts back, her smiles never quite reaching her eyes. It feels almost like sparring: feint, jab, parry, repeat; try to get the upper hand and break your opponent's defense. Kelly likely knows what she's doing but has not once brought it up.

Shepard is not sure she's getting the upper hand, though. She usually defers to a more literal approach when it comes to sparring; battling with words has never been her area of expertise. She has no idea what she hopes to accomplish either and it bothers her sometimes, but Kelly barely reacts when Shepard blows her off one day and is all smiles the next. Kelly always smiles and accommodates whatever mood the commander is in without a question.

She makes interesting observations of the crew on occasion, though, showing a surprising amount of insight. A part of Shepard would like to know what Kelly makes of her and most of her is terrified of the answer.

* * *

Wrex was the member of the old _Normandy_ who tolerated the rides on the Mako the most, but Grunt _loves_ the Hammerhead. He roars in triumph with every jump and every geth they blow to pieces. He punches and shakes Shepard's seat after they defeat any particularly difficult enemy. Krogan don't get dizzy very easily and they enjoy wild rides more than any species Shepard has worked with.

She always keeps them in the back seat, though. Having a krogan get excited while in the passenger seat is just asking for a painful and certain death.

"Stop dancing around that thing and run it over!" Grunt demands, pointing at a geth prime.

"We can't, our armor can't take many direct hits," Garrus reminds him.

Despite loudly expressing his dislike of the Hammerhead, Garrus insisted on coming with them once he knew Grunt was coming.

(" _He isn't Wrex, Shepard", Garrus had said. "Can't be too careful with a krogan in close quarters. As you should know by now", he added with a raised browplate in a slightly chiding tone._

" _I'm_ fine _", Shepard replied with a frown, already tired of people disapproving of her decision of taking Grunt out of his tank. "So, you're willing to stand my driving to keep a krogan from going all bloodrage on me? Maybe you don't hate the Hammerhead as much as you say."_

 _Garrus rolled his eyes - he was getting good at that - and scratched his bandage. "Oh, I do. But I think we need you alive for a bit longer"._ )

"Shepard, c'mon!" Grunt whines.

"Can't, big guy. The turian's right," Shepard replies without taking her eyes off the cluster of geth forces they were trying to destroy. "Don't wanna be blown to bits after just a few days alive, do you?"

"This tank is weak," Grunt mutters sullenly, but sits back anyway.

"On that, we agree," Garrus says with evident frustration.

"Good boy," Shepard tells Grunt with a nod. She launches another blitz attack and Garrus, who is in charge of the weapons, takes out most of the remaining geth. "Don't tell me you miss the Mako?" she asks Garrus.

"Spirits, no!" Garrus replies with a sharp laugh. "But - ouch!" he yelps when Shepard stops the tank abruptly and jumps up in the air to keep firing, shaking them in their seats and causing Garrus to hit the side of his head against the side of the tank. " _That_! The Mako didn't do that. It was a nightmare, but a stable and heavy nightmare. That could run over geth."

"Can't we take the rest on foot?" Grunt pipes in, sounding so much like a bored teenager that Shepard has to bite her tongue to keep from laughing.

"Can't, it would take too long. This isn't even a priority mission."

It really isn't a priority, just one of the small runs that Cerberus needs help with and that Shepard only takes because she needs to know if she can work with Grunt, and with Jack too. They both are a little unhinged in their own way, and no matter her personal opinions on them, she needs the certainty that they will follow her orders and handle combat. So far, both of them have followed her lead well enough. Still, Shepard isn't sure they won't just run headlong into battle despite direct orders one day; her hold on them is tenuous and she needs to tighten it if they are going to survive this.

Grunt runs headlong into battle without fear, confident on his fortitude and regeneration, roaring in delight, wielding a shotgun with deadly brutality. Shepard looks at him and wonders. She is still not comfortable fighting this close, she still has the instinct of lining careful shots and running from cover to cover. How would it be to charge like a krogan? Or like one of the most powerful biotics she has fought with, like Jack, charging to hit enemies head first inside a crackling ball of biotics?

What is it that holds her back? Fear, lack of confidence in her abilities, tactical thinking? How would it be to forget those and just go for it, fight in a flurry of biotics and weapons, unconcerned, with abandon, relishing her prowess as a skilled killer for once?

Grunt kills because that's what he was made for. Jack kills because it keeps her alive. Zaeed kills because he's good at it and also a very lucrative talent to have.

Would that really be so bad? Would that be good? How could she handle it after it was done, after the adrenalin was gone and the stillness of death sank in her bones?

* * *

Horizon, another colony, has gone silent, the Illusive Man informs Shepard. He also tells her, with something that looks uncomfortably close to satisfaction, that Kaidan Alenko is there. It can't be a coincidence that the next attack will happen where one of her former crewmates is, that much seems obvious.

Shepard tells Joker over the comm to step on it while she goes and pressures Mordin for the countermeasure they need to survive the Seeker Swarms, as they have dubbed them, that the Collectors use to track and immobilize their victims somehow.

When Shepard, Garrus, and Grunt drop off the shuttle, everything on Horizon is unnaturally still and quiet, and it does little to curb Shepard's uneasiness: they are about to face an alien race that most have considered a myth and that have managed to empty whole planets of humans without leaving a trace. Mordin's admission that he's not entirely sure if his countermeasure will work only manages to set Shepard on edge.

"Certainty impossible. But in limited numbers, should confuse detection, make us invisible to swarms," Mordin says, sounding way too excited about testing his new experiment. "In theory," he then adds, and honestly, Shepard still has no idea how he is supposed to have worked as a doctor when he is the least reassuring person she has ever met.

From behind her, Shepard can hear Grunt and Garrus huff in unison.

"In theory? That sounds promising," Garrus mutters, his voice laced with sarcasm.

"Experimental technology. Only test is contact with Seeker Swarms. Looking forward to see if you survive!" Mordin replies cheerfully through the comm before logging out.

Shepard just grinds her teeth, trying to ignore the cold sweat that broke out on her forehead. She is going to _kill_ Mordin.

 _The thought of being paralyzed and kidnapped inside a coffin is much more terrifying than it would have been before she died, she notices. She will not let this happen to the people on Horizon._

Shepard clears her throat and turns to her team. "Right. If this thing fails and I get… frozen or whatever, by those bugs, you keep going," she tells Garrus.

Mordin agrees with their hypothesis that the swarms have been programmed to target humans as a first priority, so if the countermeasure doesn't work as well as it's supposed to, the turian and the krogan have a better chance at making it than she does.

 _In theory._

Garrus, who was checking his rifle for the tenth time, looks up abruptly. "Shepard…." he begins.

Shepard cuts him off, holding up a hand. "That's an order, Garrus."

Garrus hesitates for a second, before yielding. "... Understood, Commander."

Shepard nods, turns around, and heads towards the colony decisively. The mission is what matters, after all, and she can trust Garrus to finish it.

They see the first cloud of Seekers, and Shepard freezes in place and pushes down the sudden urge to turn around and go back.

"If this fails, Mordin will get his salarian ass kicked," Garrus mutters, just a tiny hint of humor in his voice. If he realizes how scared Shepard really is, he doesn't show it.

Grunt makes a noise of complete agreement. To be honest, he doesn't seem particularly worried about the bugs, but he will take any chance he gets to pick a fight with anyone.

Shepard swallows hard and manages a brief chuckle. "I'm touched," she replies and her voice is only a tiny bit strained. "But don't kill him; he's probably the only one who can counter whatever those things do."

Garrus hums in reticent agreement.

"Alright. Let's do this," Shepard says, squaring her shoulders. She breathes in deeply, blinks hard, and advances towards the swarm with clenched teeth.

They don't seem to register them and Shepard sags in relief, swallowing a hysterical giggle.

* * *

The Collectors are horrifying. Shepard looks at them from a distance, looks at them as targets, but she doesn't dare to study them after they are dead because she has a feeling she would scream looking at their insectoid faces and never stop again.

She didn't need any more fuel for nightmares, thank you. Husks have featured in a few of them, but she is certain the Collectors will be in them now, too.

The thing they do when they get controlled or possessed, and talk to her, taunt her,

(her _, directly, by name, and why do the big bad things always know her name?_ )

is especially nerve-wracking. Shepard doesn't listen to the words, but it's hard not to flinch when they call her name again and again.

Just as she is getting somewhat used to the Collectors, of course, even worse things appear. First it's a stumbling horror composed of several husks fused together, and Shepard feels revulsion and hatred clawing at her chest. Later, because of course there had to be more, it's a flying ship full of husks and Shepard can't help but gape; she can't stop looking at it, her eyes darting here and there without fully comprehending what this new monster is. She has a feeling she could go crazy just staring at this thing for too long.

Her attacks are panicked and scattered, though thanks to the harsh practice Jack has put her through, Shepard now manages a more decent warp - which probably saves her life. When the new creature is dead, Shepard has to force her hands to stop shaking and leave her cover to check the status of her team.

* * *

Shepard stares at Kaidan and one thing keeps repeating in her head, making it impossible to think: _Kaidan shouldn't be so angry._

Shepard struggles for words, because somehow the thing that has thrown her off the most on this damn never ending day is Kaidan sneering at her, full of suspicion and resentment, accusing her of betraying her principles; and Shepard just stares and stares at this strange man that can't be the same Kaidan she once knew, because Kaidan was never this hateful, never this cutting and aggressive.

 _Perhaps she is wrong, perhaps he was like this and Cerberus tricked her somehow, they tampered with her memories after all, they…._

"Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus chimes in, exasperated, and Shepard turns to look at him because maybe she _is_ right and Kaidan is acting strange. Garrus is the only one who would know, since he knew them both.

"You've changed," Kaidan tells her, and his voice drips contempt.

She knows it's true, so it shouldn't hurt so much, not even when spat like an insult (she has been called worse, much worse), only it does, and Shepard clenches her fists as Kaidan walks away, full of self-righteousness at not having sank to her level, and Shepard will be damned if she asks him to join her now as she intended when she first heard he was here.

 _Let him go back to the Alliance and the Citadel. They won't hear him and won't do anything. They never do._

Shepard calls for the shuttle, and then glares at the empty space where Kaidan just was. It feels like a nightmare, like madness, having met one of her old team, one of her old friends and finding him utterly and completely changed. Kaidan used to be level headed and kind, understanding and patient - who was this stranger wearing his face then?

 _Perhaps that's how he realized she has changed, perhaps he knew she is a stranger wearing her face too. Takes one to know one, right? He saw right through her; and yes, Shepard knows the Illusive Man is trying to manipulate her in some way, but perhaps she's not even aware of how much, perhaps Cerberus_ is _trying to turn her against all the people she once knew and all she believed in._

Shepard's thoughts are a mesh of anger and anguish, her biotics are flaring up in tenuous waves around her, so it takes her too long to notice how her breath is coming out ragged and fast until her vision is already swimming, the world too bright and she has to brace her hands on her knees to avoid falling face first onto the ground.

 _No, no, no, no_.

A taloned hand grabs her shoulder and Shepard shakes it roughly, blindly. It is too heavy and too close and too much, too invasive.

"Shepard!" she registers Garrus' worried voice and has the vague notion he has been calling her name for a while now. He doesn't try to touch her again, though, which is a relief. "It's just me. It's alright, it's gonna be alright."

Shepard can only nod, still hyperventilating and choking in her attempt to stop. That's enough to knock a lot of the distress from Garrus' voice, and he keeps talking at a more measured pace.

"Just breathe. We're fine. It's alright. Breathe deeply, Shepard, come on." It's utter nonsense, but his voice gives her something to focus on.

There is a shuffling sound and suddenly Garrus has left her side and is talking to Grunt, telling him to wait in the shuttle, that they'll be right there; and a small a part of her notices he sounds concerned but also commanding and Shepard would laugh if she wasn't trying to swallow the panic back down and breathe normally.

Then Garrus is back, his hand tentatively on her elbow and she can take that, that is barely tolerable, and he's talking again.

"Breathe deep, Shepard," and there's the commanding tone again, only softened by concern. His subharmonics flare with every word and it feels like a low rumbling travels from his hand on her elbow straight into her chest. "Breathe and it will be fine. That's it."

When it's over, Shepard is left kneeling on the ground, her hands clenched over her thighs so tight her knuckles hurt, her face covered in hair, and Garrus is still touching her elbow, muttering encouragements. Shepard feels broken and weak and so very angry - at herself, at Kaidan, at the whole damn planet and the Collectors and Cerberus, too - and she is crying, which only makes her more angry because she hasn't cried out of rage and frustration in _years_ and she's stronger than this, she is Commander _fucking_ Shepard, not a little girl throwing a tantrum anymore.

 _She is supposed to be stronger than this! She_ was _stronger than this and it was taken from her, somehow. She is in pieces and she still doesn't know who to blame for this; she_ needs _to know whose fault it is because it's killing her as surely as any bullet, it's bleeding her slowly and she can't do this anymore._

Garrus' hand retreats and Shepard takes his arm before he can completely pull away. Garrus just stays still, doesn't say anything, but his subharmonics continue their rumbling and he must not even notice - or maybe he can't help it.

Shepard doesn't look at him, and after a moment Garrus places his hand back on her shoulder. Shepard tries not to let out a sob ( _she has felt alone, so alone with this, whatever_ this _is_ ) 'cause she still has some dignity and Garrus sat next to her at some point, but is still too far away to just lean on him and hide.

Eventually she pulls herself together, eventually her tears stop. Garrus still hasn't said anything, but he hasn't moved away either, supporting some of her weight. Shepard notices her face is covered in various icky fluids, tears and snot and saliva, and she quickly wipes them away with her gloves, grimacing because that's disgusting but she doesn't have many other options right now.

She clears her throat and makes herself lift her face again. Horizon is still quiet and beautiful.

She hates this entire cursed planet.

"Sorry," she manages to say, not looking at Garrus. She can't.

Garrus clears his throat as well, his hand finally dropping back to his lap. "Nothing to be sorry about," he replies a bit awkwardly, and he shuffles a little. "Hope I could help," he adds, almost too quiet for Shepard to catch.

Shepard has to look at him then, she has to turn and give him a brittle smile even if she can't quite meet his eyes. "You did. You really did."

' _I don't deserve him_ ', she thinks absently and her heart clenches because it's true. She doesn't much of anything right now, not after that display, but least of all Garrus' support.

* * *

The thrum of Garrus' subharmonics persists all the way to the _Normandy_.

Garrus spends most of the time in the shuttle trying to make small talk with Grunt, partly to keep Grunt from asking questions, Shepard suspects, but also because krogan always get antsy in small places.

Grunt mostly just wants to discuss how he killed Collectors, how his shotgun blasted and he roared and they fell, their entrails flying about. Shepard catches Garrus grimacing slightly here and there, but he just goes with it and turns the vivid descriptions of violence into tactical advice that Grunt only partially pays attention to, and only because it will help him to kill better.

Shepard doesn't join in the conversation, she mostly keeps looking out to the retreating shape of Horizon and berates herself for letting Kaidan's attitude unsettle her so much. He doesn't deserve such a strong reaction from her.

Though, she started the whole mission much more on edge than usual, so perhaps it's not just Kaidan, it was all of it. Still, Kaidan doesn't even deserve to be the last straw that broke her like that. He doesn't deserve that satisfaction, not after today.

"Shepard," Garrus calls her after the shuttle has landed back on the _Normandy_. Grunt was the first to disembark, as always, saying something about ryncol and glorious deaths (where he could have gotten ryncol, Shepard has no idea and is not about to ask).

Garrus walks to her and hesitates, his eyes darting around them for a second. "Just wanted to say: I can handle this debrief, if you want."

His tone is dry, but Shepard knows enough about him and about turians to know what he's doing: he's trying to make it clear that he's not trying to step on her toes or coddle her, he's just putting the thought out there and leaving the choice up to her.

As nice as the idea is (and it is kind of nice, taking the ungrateful and boring duty off her shoulders when she feels so raw and angry at her own weakness) Shepard knows she can't take that offer. Not only would it be worse to send someone else to do her job than to delay it - as she fully intends to do; she's not dealing with this bullshit today, no sir -, but she also wants to have some words with the Illusive Man herself.

"That won't be necessary. But thank you, Garrus," she adds, meaning that wholeheartedly.

Garrus nods like he expected no different - and he probably didn't. "Anytime, Shepard," he replies before clapping her shoulder companionably (and she can feel the vibration of his subharmonics again during that brief contact) and leaving the shuttle without further ado.

Shepard follows a few steps behind.

* * *

Shepard goes straight to her cabin, determined to avoid Doctor Chakwas and Miranda and everyone in the CIC for the time being. After she showers and reads her messages, though, she takes one look at her cabin and the thought of reports to be filed and of being completely alone up here right now are too much for her. Which is how she finds herself hiding in the Main Battery with two bottles taken from the Port Observation bar.

Garrus looks up from the sniper rifle he's cleaning as she enters.

"Shepard," he greets her, sounding a little surprised, as he stands up from the crate he is using as a chair and turns around to face her. "Need me for something?"

Shepard shows him the bottles with a grin. "You up for a drink?" she offers, though she fails to sound as enthusiastic as she wanted to. In fact, she only sounds tired and angry.

Garrus takes the bottle from her and turns it in his hand, studying it. "Horosk? Really?" he wonders, amused.

"Yeah. A terrible one, according to the bartender."

Garrus laughs. "Well, then, how could I refuse?"

Shepard grins and a knot of anxiety that she hadn't even noticed was tightening the muscles of her back dissolves. She moves around him and sits down on another crate in the corner near the work table.

"Go on, finish that," she says, waving at the sniper rifle.

She knows putting guns aside in the middle of cleaning them is never a good idea. She had lost too many pieces by doing that - once, weirdly enough, the entire barrel of a rifle.

Garrus does just that. He sits back down and opens his mouth, seemingly looking for something to say, some way to start small talk, but Shepard just leans against the wall behind her back and closes her eyes, sipping from her bottle of knockoff vodka. Garrus apparently decides to leave her be, because he doesn't say anything in the end.

The thrumming of subharmonics starts again, though, and when Shepard opens one eye, she sees Garrus focused on his rifle again, humming absently to himself. Shepard smiles a bit and closes her eyes again, enjoying the quiet company in a way she hasn't managed to do in a long time.

Garrus is almost finished with re-assembling his rifle when EDI speaks, startling Shepard - and really, the AI should stop doing that.

"Shepard, Officer Lawson is requesting information about your whereabouts," EDI informs her.

Shepard glares at the blue orb floating by the door and out the corner of her eye she can see Garrus giving her a curious look.

"What does she want?" Shepard asks.

"She requires confirmation of your arrival and is waiting for you to debrief her on your mission on Horizon," EDI replies.

Shepard lets out an annoyed sigh. "Did you tell her where I am?"

"My programming does not allow me to refuse a direct order, Shepard," EDI reminds her.

"Right. So, tell Miranda she'll have to wait for that debrief. I'll do it tomorrow," Shepard commands the AI. "And lock the door of the Main Battery."

"Understood."

"... You'll... have to open the door if Miranda orders you to, right?" Shepard drops her head back in defeat.

"As the Commanding Officer, your orders take precedence. Except in the case of an emergency," EDI adds, almost like an afterthought. Shepard and Garrus exchange a meaningful look. She imagines Garrus, like her, doesn't like the vague amusement in EDI's simulated voice.

 _The AI will kill us all, one day. Just you watch._

"Well…" Shepard clears her throat. "Good. That'll be all, EDI."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"Well, that won't go well with Miranda. But just picturing her face makes it worth it, I guess," Garrus comments.

"And picturing her pounding on the door while ordering me to come out," Shepard adds in a dreamy voice.

Garrus opens the bottle of Horosk and sniffs it carefully. "Smells like battery acid," he comments before taking a swig. He coughs and shivers slightly, his mandibles fluttering. "Tastes like it, too. Good choice, Shepard."

"Glad you like it," she replies with a grin.

The realization that, despite the fact that they had worked together and sometimes exchanged some banter during combat before, Shepard and Garrus hadn't really been _friends_ strikes maybe a bit too late. Silence stretches between them, and Shepard is starting to curse her impulse of just dropping by without a plan beyond alcohol. Just as the awkwardness starts to be obvious, though, Garrus starts talking.

Shepard sighs internally in relief and decides she owes him even more, now.

They don't talk about anything important, not really, and it's just what Shepard needs. They discuss tech applications and rifles and the god-awful invention that are thermal clips (Shepard still hates them), and from there it inevitably leads to reminiscing about the old _Normandy_ and the old crew. Somehow, it doesn't hurt as much as Shepard would have expected, probably because Garrus was there too.

' _He used to be so formal_ ', Shepard thinks with unexpected fondness. The main reason they had never just talked as they are doing now is they both used to behave rather stiffly: Garrus used follow the very strict professionalism and discipline that made the turian famous (or infamous, depending on who you asked), while Shepard had been too stuck in her own severe code about the Right Way To Do Things and focused entirely on their mission.

 _God, she had been stupid. What a pointless way to waste her life._

On the rare occasions they had been somewhat informal back then, Garrus had shown some sense of humor, sure, but it would have been near impossible to get him to show so much familiarity as to share a drink with his commanding officer while on downtime - not that the old Shepard would have thought of even suggesting it. These days, though, Garrus' dry wit is all over the place, so much so that Shepard wonders how she could have missed how sarcastic he can be. Joker's right (not that she'll ever tell him): Garrus seems to have lost the stick he used to have lodged up his ass. And honestly, it's not a bad change at all.

Shepard realizes Garrus probably thinks something similar about her and snorts. She probably deserves that.

"Do you think it was normal? The way Kaidan acted today. It just - it didn't seem like him. Not the way I remember him," Shepard asks, frowning at her bottle and peeling at the label with her thumb.

"I don't know. I - Well, I'm not sure there _is_ a normal when someone you know comes back from the dead," Garrus replies.

Shepard can't hide a flinch at that. She still hates to think of it, of how she died and came back.

"You didn't exactly accuse me of treason and… hiding, or something," Shepard points out, feeling her anger resurface. She didn't catch most of Kaidan's accusations, too preoccupied trying to believe he was accusing her of something in the first place.

Garrus actually chuckles. "No, but Shepard: when you got there, I was sure I was done for. I didn't exactly have the luxury of second-guessing you." Shepard tenses at that, and it must become obvious, because Garrus quickly turns more serious. "Not that I did. I - I don't know, it seemed obvious to me you were you, doing your whole 'save the day by kicking ass' thing." He shrugs. "Maybe it wasn't so obvious to him. But it sounded like someone dumped an anti-Cerberus campaign on him. Interesting timing."

"You know, that's what bothers me the most: he knows I have every reason _not_ to trust Cerberus, and still… How can he - How can he honestly believe I'd turn my back on everything? Just like that? Just for working outside the Alliance?" She lets out a frustrated sigh and takes another drink from her bottle. "It's like he doesn't know me at all."

Garrus hums in a pensive way and takes a swig, too - and grimaces (full-blown turian grimaces, Shepard discovers, look _ridiculous_ : mandibles spread wide and nose scrunched up like he's about to sneeze).

"It is just so unlike him to be so… drastic," Shepard insists. "He was always about finding more information, giving the benefit of the doubt. Ash was the impulsive one, not Kaidan."

Garrus nods at that. "Yes, it was strange," he finally admits. It's stupid, but it feels good that someone else agrees with her on that. "I thought he would join us, actually. I thought it was obvious we're actually doing something about the missing colonists." There is, finally, a spark of anger in his eyes. "I don't get him. I thought he was out of line and too prejudiced. But... I also hadn't seen him in two years, I'm not sure what happened to him in that time," he adds begrudgingly.

Shepard has a moment of realization when she finally understands that the reason Garrus seems so blasé about Kaidan's attitude is because he's just trying to make sense of it in some way, and not because he doesn't care.

"You're angry at him," she says, with a lopsided smirk.

Garrus blinks. "Of course I am. I don't understand everything, but-"

"You didn't seem to be," Shepard cuts him off and raises her bottle in a toast gesture. "Thank you. _That's_ what I needed to hear: that I'm not completely crazy for being mad at him."

Garrus huffs. "Hardly. He was an ass." They clink their bottles together. "I mean, you _are_ crazy, just not about that," Garrus adds with a shit-eating grin.

Shepard kicks him lightly and Garrus snickers.

"So… you never contacted any of the old crew. After you left," Shepard asks after a short silence.

Garrus shakes his head. "No. Didn't enter any of my old accounts or anything while on Omega. Didn't wanna be traced."

Shepard nods absently. That seems obvious in hindsight.

"Last time I saw everyone was - was for your funeral," Garrus says in a low voice, his tone bitter and his mandibles tight against his face.

Shepard closes her eyes tightly. This is something she hasn't dared to ask anyone yet, if she ever was going to. She is not sure she wants to talk about it now.

"Shit, sorry," Garrus says. He rubs his face hard and shifts in his seat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up. I wasn't thinking."

Shepard takes a long swig of her bottle.

She thinks of Jacob's unsympathetic look when she mentioned how the Illusive Man had played god with her resurrection. He doesn't get it, and perhaps it's not his fault he hasn't put himself in her shoes, but Shepard hasn't been able to talk to him since, not without feeling coiled up and angry. Perhaps one day she will explain how being resurrected feels like and perhaps he will understand.

Jacob doesn't get it, but he's not the only one. Chakwas is convinced Shepard remains unchanged, their "immovable center" as she said. Maybe that is denial or maybe it's hope - probably both, really.

Kasumi always keeps herself just out of reach, she's fleeting and fickle and Shepard can't imagine having a heart to heart with her. Zaeed is completely out of the question - all he understands is anger and violence and revenge. Grunt doesn't know much besides sterile imprints from the tank, and he remains uninterested in most things beyond killing.

Jack understands what being experimented on feels like, and by Cerberus too, no less, but she's not about to discuss it. Shepard isn't sure she knows how to bring that up with her, anyway. Miranda might understand, too, but since she was in charge of resurrecting her, Shepard doubts she's up to hearing any negative comments about it. And Miranda is still the kind of person Shepard would hate to show weakness to.

Shepard isn't sure how much Garrus really understands about what she's going through, but he has caught on to her distress - after her breakdown on Horizon it would be hard for him not to, really. It makes Shepard feel oddly exposed, on display. She longs for understanding, but she can't open up about it either. Not yet. Not with the people she's supposed to lead unflinchingly into almost certain death.

When Shepard looks at him again, Garrus is glowering at his bottle, his shoulders slumped.

"I can't… talk about it yet," she says haltingly. Garrus opens his mouth, without looking at her, but Shepard keeps going. "Not about… death. Or being back."

"I understand," Garrus replies, maybe too quickly. "I mean, some things are… hard to talk about. I get that."

And perhaps he does. He hasn't said a lot about his time on Omega since his first day back, after all.

Shepard tries for a smirk. It comes out like a grimace. "Yeah. I know." She sighs. It sounds so dumb, but what else can she say? She shakes herself and guesses that she may not be ready to talk about her death and resurrection, but maybe she can talk about the funeral. It didn't happen _to_ her, after all. "But how was it? The funeral?"

Garrus gives her a searching look, mandibles flicking. Shepard nods encouragingly - or she tries to.

"Uh. It was long. Longer that I'm used to," Garrus finally replies, his tone wary, like he is doing the verbal version of walking into a minefield. In a way, that's true. "A lot of people were there, not just the crew."

"Where was it?" Shepard has a will, but she's pretty sure it doesn't involve any instructions about her remains.

"Mindoir. It was raining."

"Anderson's idea?" Shepard wonders.

"I think so. He was the only Council member present. I think he basically snuck away from the Citadel without warning the others - they were having collective fits when they realized." Garrus gives a small smile at that. The mental image even manages to lift up Shepard's spirits a little. "I didn't think most people would get there in time, but a lot managed. There were people from Feros and people from Terra Nova. A lot of people from the Citadel, and a whole lot more I didn't know. It was really crowded."

"How did Anderson get so many people to the middle of the Traverse?" Shepard asks, a little bewildered - and a little overwhelmed at the thought.

"He, uh, kidnapped an Alliance frigate." Garrus replies. His expression is so serious that for a moment Shepard almost believes it. "More or less. He pulled the Councilor card and seized it, actually. Not that Hackett complained much."

Shepard blinks, pauses and finally just shakes her head. "You're kidding."

"Not at all. Look it up one day, it caused quite the stir. Or ask Joker, he complained nonstop that he didn't get to fly it himself." Shepard maybe will search the extranet for it, but even if it's complete bullshit it's a good story. "I traveled with them. Second time I dropped C-Sec for a human ship."

"You quit after that?"

"Yeah. Not right away, but soon after. It was… bullshit, Shepard. All of it." Garrus frowns and drinks from his bottle. Shepard can almost see another red-tape rant coming.

Garrus broods for a moment, but then he shakes himself and to Shepard's surprise, he doesn't go for the rant.

"There were speeches. And food - which I found odd. Kaidan said a lot of human traditions include food after funerals. I don't think many turian funerals do, but I'm not sure." Garrus drinks again and his eyes seem unfocused. It may be the Horosk, or the memories, or both. "It was… hard. Joker was a wreck. Liara said he blamed himself for… Liara, well - xe blamed xirself too. A lot of blame to go around."

Shepard clears her throat, trying to clear the knot that has formed here. "It wasn't. It wasn't their fault."

Garrus nods but doesn't look at her. "I said that. We all said that. But we all blamed ourselves, I think. Except maybe Wrex," he adds in a very poor attempt at humor.

"Of course he didn't." Shepard tries to keep the joke going, because the only other option is crying again, and she can't do that. Not so soon. "Krogan just move on."

"He tried to get Tali to drink with him when we got back to the Citadel, but she refused to even consider it." Garrus laughs. "Said she didn't wanna spend her first hangover sad on top of sick."

"And? What, he got drunk alone?"

"Of course not, Wrex drank Alenko and me under the table. When I came to, he was still drinking. Straight up ryncol." Garrus wrinkles his nose. "Worse hangover I've ever had."

 _I missed you like a limb_ , Kaidan had said. Shepard barely registered it on Horizon, but it suddenly comes back and all but slaps her across the face. Shepard squeezes her eyes to keep the tears at bay that suddenly are welling. She doesn't succeed much, and wipes the ones that got away.

"I - That's. That's ridiculous. I'm just - I'm just a soldier," she argues with a self-deprecating chuckle.

Garrus actually throws his head back and laughs - the Horosk seems to have gotten to him. "No, Shepard, you were our friend. You _are_ our friend. And you, you brought us together to do the impossible. And we did! We killed a Reaper and we saved the Citadel." He pauses for a moment. "I'd still be in C-Sec without you."

Shepard snorts loudly. "No, you wouldn't. You would have left anyway, with or without me. You were never going to settle for that."

"Maybe. But you did take me in, so who knows." Garrus leans back. He stares at a point on the opposite wall and his mandibles flicker a little as he thinks. "I should have kept more in touch. I'm not really good at it, but still… Leaving everything behind was so easy. Too easy."

"If it helps, we're picking up Tali next," Shepard informs him. She leans back against the wall and frowns. "Apparently whatever mission the quarians sent her to, it got her trapped in geth territory."

Garrus looks at her in surprise. "Tali? Geth territory? Seems like I've missed a lot." Shepard summaries her meeting with Tali on Freedom's Progress and what little information came in the dossier Cerberus sent her.

"I see, so it's a rescue mission. We could definitely use her, and it would be nice to see her again, but Shepard…"

"I know," Shepard says, rubbing her face in frustration. "I don't wanna drag Tali into this either."

"But you can drag _me_ into this, huh?" Garrus quips.

"You are free to go, you know?" Shepard replies, pointing at the door. Her expression is just daring him to do that.

"Now, what kind of friend would that make me," Garrus says, though there is a faint harshness in his tone, one that Shepard thinks she can translate as _I don't have anywhere to go, anyway_.

 _(What a wonderful team of broken people she has, all cornered into accepting a hopeless fight - for money, for kicks, for the hell of it, for a dubious sense of altruism or because they have nothing more to lose. And Garrus probably feels he owes her his life._

 _How are they supposed to win against so many odds when none of them knows how to hope anymore?)_

Garrus clears his throat. "But anyway. Yes, Tali - she's good in a fight, but she's not a soldier. Seems wrong to rope her into this."

"It does." Shepard thumps her head against the wall in defeat. "For now all I know is we're getting her out of Haestrom, I don't care how classified this mission is. After that, we can just send her home."

"Right, that would be a win either way, honestly," Garrus agrees. "But if Tali wants to come with us, I doubt we can stop her, Shepard. You know how stubborn she can be."

"Said the pot about the kettle," Shepard mutters to herself.

"And despite the fact that she would hate you and you'd have to bodily remove her from the _Normandy_ , Tali _is_ our best tech expert. And we can actually trust her."

Shepard sighs in defeat. "We'll see. I hope she agrees to go back to the Flotilla, though."

"It would be nice to have more familiar faces. Or... masks. Uh, well, you know what I mean." Garrus shrugs. "Any news on Wrex? Liara?"

Shepard hesitates. She hasn't talked about Liara with anyone, hasn't even mentioned xir besides asking the Illusive Man about xir whereabouts.

 _So many unsaid words. So many wrong words said - little words, easily discarded and ignored... but still wrong. She'll have to deal with this soon, way too soon, even if all she feels well enough to do right now is killing._

"They told me Wrex is on Tuchanka. Liara - xe is on Illium." Shepard drinks to keep herself from stuttering further, to disguise the tightening in her stomach and her lips. "We have to go there later, find two more people."

Garrus shifts a little, probably picking up on her discomfort. "Xe'll be happy to see you," he assures Shepard quietly, and that just makes everything worse.

Her memories may be tampered, and Shepard can't be completely certain that the pit of regret and the memories of tension and silence and feelings of outright worthlessness around Liara are entirely real. She has no way of being certain that, right before dying, she had been trying to come to terms with the fact that she had, once again, fucked up a relationship somehow and had been working up the nerve to do the right thing and end it.

 _Or maybe the whole "tampered memory" thing is just wishful thinking. Maybe she's trying to work around the facts because she can't stand to think of herself as failing - again. Especially when the relationship had just lasted a few short months._

"We'll see," Shepard says darkly, looking intently at her bottle. _'And I guess we'll also see how I feel about xir when I see xir._ '

"Well, whatever happens, I'm on your six, Shepard," Garrus assures her, his tone light and certain. Loyalty comes easy for him, it seems, and even if it's premature or if it doesn't last forever, it still manages to ground her again.

"I'm glad you're here," Shepard admits, and she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable, but she needs to let him know. "I'm glad someone from my old team is here. This whole thing would be… a lot more difficult without you."

That is a horrible understatement, but telling the whole truth would also be too much.

Garrus coughs, likely embarrassed. Shepard chuckles at the sight, especially since Garrus tries to look unflappable and smooth all the time. But she doesn't want to make him feel awkward.

She has been leaning heavily on him since she found him, increasingly today, and it's not fair.

( _Can't be that selfish. Can't be that needy. Can't be depending on others so much, she has to pull her own weight and deal with her own bullshit. Can't be that selfish._ )

"Had to be said. Now, I think I should go." Shepard stands up and sways a little. "Thank you. For, well, everything," she adds awkwardly.

Garrus gets on his feet. ' _Always a gentleman_ ', Shepard thinks with a fond scoff.

"Sure. Anytime, Shepard," Garrus says, holding out his bottle, suddenly cool and collected again and wow, he really is good at slipping into that façade; it's almost seamless.

"Goodnight, Garrus." Shepard waves at him as she leaves, shaking her head.

.-

* * *

 **Notes:**

Yes, Jack has biotic charge. Why not? Just imagine the mayhem (Iron Bull voice: MAYHEEEEM!)

Also, Jack being a teacher gives me so much joy I just had to have her use her amazing methods to help Shepard - consider it training for ME3.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** Conversations with old friends.

AKA: aggressively self-sabotaging, poor emotional intelligence, and Tali being a treasure.

Hey! Sorry for the delay! It's just... *makes vague hand gesture*. It's just who I am as a person.

I've made some minor changes to the past chapters; mostly fixing typos, but I also removed the chapter's names, since I was running out of words to imply "falling at an increasing speed". Also, I changed the quotes/lyrics at the beginnings of chapters because reasons.

Beta-ed, once again, by the best beta: Mordinette.

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

 _Stitch by stitch I tear apart.  
If brokenness is a form of art,  
I must be a poster child prodigy.  
Thread by thread I come apart.  
If brokenness is a work of art,  
Surely this must be my masterpiece._

.-

Haestrom is an unexpected throwback, as Garrus points out. Fighting geth feels a lot like old times.

"Ah, yes, the good ol' days, when life was simpler and our enemies had flashlights for heads," Shepard deadpans over the comm.

Garrus chuckles.

 _She didn't want to bring him. There's only one acceptable thing to do with crutches and that's ditch them when you don't need them anymore - like with her sniper rifle, which she finally managed to leave behind on the_ Normandy _. But this is_ Tali _, and Garrus would have come anyway even if Shepard had told him not to_.

Every quarian they see dies before they can reach them, and it's pissing Shepard off. She should have come sooner. Better yet, the quarians shouldn't have sent Tali or anyone else to the middle of a geth controlled system.

The only surviving soldier, Kal'Reegar, seems more like a marine than any other quarian she has ever met - he's sticking to his mission and is not going out without a fight, even if his whole squad is dead. Shepard likes him immediately.

Shepard asks him about the field in front of them, and Reegar gives a quick summary of pros and cons of taking the left, middle or right path.

"I say we go right. Snipe that Colossus back to hell," Garrus pipes in, his eyes scanning the terrain.

Zaeed gives a grunt in agreement.

A part of Shepard wants to agree; in fact, her instincts immediately leaned that way. But she's not a sniper anymore.

Shepard misses her rifle like a lost limb. She's useless without it, God fucking dammit.

"Shepard?" Garrus says, waiting for orders. Hoping his idea will be validated.

 _Shepard looks at him in the eye and in that moment she hates him. She hates his stubbornness and his efficiency and his sharp mind, and his inability to see that she doesn't need his input because she is on top of things._

( _She_ doesn't _need him. She doesn't need the surge of self-loathing she gets every time she looks at him and remembers he knows how weak she is now, how weak they have made her._ )

 _For fuck's sake, Garrus, back off!_ Shepard wants to yell.

"We go left. Safer route," Shepard orders instead.

Garrus opens his mouth, likely to argue, and Shepard gets ready to shut him up because she's the one in charge, dammit, when Reegar says he's coming with them. Shutting him down is easier than shutting down Garrus, by a long mile, and Shepard doesn't hesitate to change the topic by telling him to stay put.

She's lost too many quarians today, and their loss is not only on her and the admiralty board, but it will be on Tali. And Shepard is determined to spare Tali as much as she possibly can.

* * *

Tali is the same. She remains bright, quirky, with a sharp sense of humor. Her voice is warm, her words stuttered, her hands expressive, and she flat out refuses to be sent home, as Shepard and Garrus expected. She goes straight to the engine room to familiarize herself with the new ship.

Tali has changed. She is sad and angry and disappointed, but aren't they all? She quite vocally mistrusts almost everyone on board and huffs every time EDI, Miranda, or Jacob talk to her.

Shepard reluctantly agrees to let Tali come with her to Karumto, where they will hopefully actually find the doctor Cerberus is looking for. At the very least, looking for Dr. Cayce has been uneventful so far, so it won't put any of them in any direct danger.

Tali makes some technical observations about the Hammerhead that Shepard mostly understands, which quickly launches Mordin into one of his monologues that Shepard can never truly follow. Shepard is somewhat tech savvy, sure, but Mordin just talks _so fast_.

Of course, Shepard should have known she was just tempting fate to throw her a curveball: they end up running for their lives as the volcanic station collapses all around them and lava threatens to swallow them. Shepard steps on the gas pedal of the Hammerhead, her knuckles white on the wheel and she's swearing louder and louder the whole way, not even hearing what she's saying. Tali shouts at her omni-tool as she and Mordin frantically divert energy from the Hammerhead's guns to its shields and thrusters. Mordin keeps spitting technicalities and detailing everything he's doing at a maddening speed, his voice level as always.

"Mordin, shut the hell UP!" she yells as they finally reach the end of the tunnel and jump straight into the _Normandy_ 's hangar bay, skidding with a terrible noise and almost toppling over.

The hangar door closes and the _Normandy_ leaves the planet. They sit in silence for a moment after the Hammerhead has stopped moving. Unsurprisingly, Mordin is the first to speak.

"Close one. Need to practice driving more often, Shepard. Almost crashed several times." He sniffs. "Unpleasant way to die."

Tali laughs, although it's a little hysterical. " _Unpleasant_?"

"Less unpleasant than burning to death, perhaps," Mordin concedes. "Still, could do better. Seems a greater risk than any enemies we face."

Shepard has to force her fingers to release the wheel. She swallows thickly.

"Shepard has never been a good driver," Tali mutters. It sounds like she's smiling.

Traitor.

"Ah, yes. Have heard comments from crew members. Did well enough to get us out alive, at least. Need to leave now, Shepard, go back to the lab. Have samples I need to check."

Shepard just nods.

One day she really is going to kill Mordin. Damn that unflappable salarian.

* * *

Honestly, Garrus hoped having Tali back would bring a little more peace and some of the old team camaraderie back - mostly for Shepard's sake. Shepard needs all the breaks she can get right now. What he didn't expect is to have Tali scolding him over the comm when it's not even been a week.

"Did she have to go alone?"

Tali's voice is filled with anxiety, and Garrus can almost see her wringing her hands nervously. It's an old gesture he had consciously forgotten, but he immediately recognized when he saw it after rescuing her from Haestrom. It brought back old memories and a wave of fondness Garrus didn't remember having for the quarian girl.

Then again, he is prone to missing things that are right in front of him until they all but jump at him. Like with Shepard and how much she's struggling.

Garrus hasn't forgiven himself for that just yet.

"She'll be fine," Garrus assures Tali, while searching for the right program on his omni-tool. "There are no readings of life, not any kind of activity on Alchera."

He finds the program and runs a diagnostic on the Hammerhead thruster he's trying to fix. The internal damage is less than he expected, given Shepard's narrow escape from the volcano station on Karumto a couple of days ago.

"That's not the point!" Tali exclaims. "Shepard's down there all alone among the wreckage of her old ship and… She doesn't need to go through that alone!"

Garrus looks away and sighs. "Tali, she _wanted_ to go alone," he reminds her a little impatiently. "You don't know-" He stops himself short.

He was about to say Tali doesn't know how it feels to go back to a place where people you knew, people who depended on you, died. Garrus is damn sure if he ever goes back to his team's hideout on Omega, he will do it alone; preferably with a bottle of something strong to drink and probably to set the whole place on fire as well.

Only, Tali does know. The expedition on Haestrom was under her command. The quarian marines were there to escort and protect her. And they are all dead now - except for Kal'Reegar, and only because they got to help him on time.

The whole Galaxy is a graveyard. Garrus is pretty sure it will only get worse, though, once the Reapers finally come.

"Look, it's her choice," he settles for instead. "If she wants to go alone, then she does."

"Did you even _ask_? Did you even _offer_ to go along with her?" Tali asks, clearly irritated now. And she probably already knows what his answer will be.

Garrus hesitates. "I - Well, no. But Tali-"

" _See_? She wouldn't ask, even if she wanted company! You know how she is," Tali points out with exasperation, likely throwing her hands in the air. It sounds like she's pacing. "I didn't know where she was going, or I would have offered to go too. Maybe she'd have said no, but I still would have offered."

Garrus stiffens and has to fight the urge to get defensive and argue, because he may not like it, but Tali has a point: he is too used to follow Shepard's lead. So much so that the thought of suggesting to go with her to Alchera and visit the crash site of the first _Normandy_ didn't even cross his mind.

 _Get a damn grip, Vakarian, you promised to yourself you would try to support her now. You have already dropped the ball for too long, can't do it again so soon._

"You're right," Garrus admits, mostly for Tali's benefit. He knows when he's screwed up, he owns up to it every time, but he has never been fond of voicing it - something she probably already knows about him. "I will, next time. Or, you know, next time something similar happens. But Shepard is already down there, so there's not much I can do now, right?"

Tali hums, and he can tell she's already started to forgive him. "I know. But just - _keelah_ , just imagine how hard this must be for her," she adds quietly, her voice full of concern.

Garrus rubs his nose. Empathy isn't his strong suit, he's aware of that. In fact, that's the reason he didn't even realize something was wrong with Shepard until she had an actual panic attack. In hindsight, there were a lot of hints that she wasn't doing well, but he hadn't seen them, too busy working and thinking ahead just to avoid looking back, to notice his commanding officer's deteriorating state until she cracked.

( _This is why he didn't do well in C-Sec, you see. He's too blind to what's in front of him, he's too self-centered, he's too rigid and not good at following orders or caring about others._ )

"I know. But that's why we have you, right?" Garrus quickly deflects. He has to, or he will snap at her and Tali doesn't deserve that. "Keeping us honest and…" he waves vaguely, looking for the right word, "caring."

"Well, I didn't sign up for _that_ job," Tali replies drily. Garrus laughs a little. "And what, just me keeping the rest of you all honest? No, I think I'll just stick to shooting things and hacking, thank you."

"Gotta pick your battles," Garrus agrees with a shrug. "But it's good to have you back, even if you're gonna keep calling me just to scold me."

"Not _just_ to scold you," Tali quickly argues. "But you deserved that. Honestly, you are too soldier-ly sometimes. Shepard too."

"And you are very quarian. Most of the time," Garrus replies with a grin.

Tali huffs. "And proud of it. Someone has to be reasonable around here. Remind you that you are people, sometimes."

Garrus grimaces and shakes his head a little. Being "people" the way Tali means it doesn't figure highly in turian society. And as far as he knows, it doesn't either for Shepard.

* * *

Shepard's shuttle arrives when Garrus is close to fixing one particularly stubborn problem on the left thruster. It's good he's still engrossed in his task; it helps him pretend he is fixing the Hammerhead for some reason other than being there when Shepard returns from Alchera.

He is not as thoughtful as Tali, not nearly as comfortable and free with his emotions as she is, but he has some good ideas of his own sometimes - like waiting for Shepard to get a read on her, see if there is something he can do.

Or, he hopes it was a good idea. He still isn't sure.

Shepard exits the shuttle with her helmet already off, and holding a small metal box. Her expression is tired but not upset, as far as he can tell (he is still learning to read humans), which has to be a good sign. She goes straight to the elevator, her eyes set firmly ahead and her strides full of that grim and steely determination she has wrapped herself in ever since Horizon.

"Shepard," he greets her casually. Shepard almost trips over her own feet and turns to look at him in surprise. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

Shepard rubs her forehead and shakes her head. She clears her throat. "Didn't startle me. I was just… distracted, didn't see you there."

' _That sounds like she got startled_ ', Garrus thinks, but he isn't going to point that out. He can be a smart-ass some other time.

"Everything alright down there?" he asks, trying to keep his tone as light as he can. No sense making this more dramatic than it has to be.

"Yeah. Found what Hackett asked, set the monument, all that," Shepard replies, looking away. Her tone is bitter and there is a deep frown on her face. Garrus thinks he completely understands. "Even found the Mako. Completely encased in ice. I'm sure you're devastated," she adds, but her voice lacks any real humor. Shepard shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

"Completely," Garrus deadpans. He hesitates about what to say next, whether he should change the topic, make some terrible joke, maybe ask about Alchera; or probably not at all, that is a terrible, terrible idea, 'cause he has no idea how to react if the reply is bad...

"I should go," Shepard says before he can settle on anything. She bows her head at him and walks to the elevator again. "We're heading to Illium now. Need to get there before our newest recruits get themselves kidnapped or something. Gettin' tired of that."

Garrus blinks and struggles for words again. "Want some company?" he blurts out and hates himself a second later, because _what the actual fuck?_ "I mean, uh - on Illium?" he adds lamely, trying to elaborate and explain himself in an eloquent way and failing utterly. He's not even sure what he means to say, beyond the fact he is trying to make up for not offering to accompany her to Alchera, but he can't actually say that to Shepard.

Garrus forces himself to shut the hell up before he continues stuttering and making more of a fool of himself.

 _Of_ course _she will take a team with her to Illium, you idiot. They have people to recruit, supplies to replenish. It's not a fucking deserted planet like Alchera._

There is a pause. Shepard turns to look at him over her shoulder, seeming very confused, but thankfully also tired and distracted.

"What?" she asks, shaking her head slightly as if to clear it.

"Uh, never mind. Just curious about the people we're picking up, is all," Garrus lies smoothly (or, he hopes it's smoothly enough to fool her). "Sorry, go on ahead."

Shepard stares at him for another moment, then shrugs and walks into the elevator. "Alright. I'll let you know. See you later." She waves at him as the elevator door closes.

Garrus waits until she's out of view, then lets his head fall down in defeat and groans loudly to himself.

 _Way to go, Vakarian, really smooth, really eloquent._

This is why he shouldn't let Tali guilt trip him and should stick to what forms of support he knows better - i.e. doing things and not talking much about them.

* * *

Illium seems too pretty and advanced to be in the Terminus system. It practically squeaks clean when compared to Omega and Korlus, and that makes Shepard mistrust the place immediately.

"Know anything about this planet?" she asks Garrus as they walk down the boarding bridge and into the dock of Nos Astra. He seems to know a lot about a lot of places.

Garrus turns to look at the skyline for a moment before answering: "Well, we were always told that Illium is one of the safest places in the galaxy… until you fell off the grid. Sign the wrong contract, join up with the wrong company, or walk down the wrong alley, and it's as dangerous as anywhere else." He gives Shepard a sardonic look. "Don't let this place fool you; it's no safer here than on Omega."

Shepard makes an unimpressed face. "Thought as much," she says curtly. She hates this place already.

She sees Garrus blink out of the corner of her eye, but she doesn't stop to work out what his expression is. They get to the starport, but Shepard only takes a few steps inside before she notices an asari walking towards them, flanked by two security mechs.

Shepard's hand goes to her gun on reflex and she is about to pull it out when Tali's hand closes around her wrist and she whispers, "Wait! They're security, Shepard!"

The asari takes one look at Shepard and gives a public relations smile, bright and glossy, and doesn't seem at all intimidated.

"There's no need for any of that, Commander Shepard. Illium has very efficient security. I assure you, our surveillance is one of the best in the galaxy. I'm just here to welcome you to Nos Astra, and to inform you that we've been instructed to waive all docking and administration fees for your visit." Shepard frowns, confused, and the asari's smile widens. "My name is Careena. If you need information about the area, it would be my pleasure to assist you."

"Who instructed you to waive the fees?" Shepard demands. Getting anything for free is not something that has happened lately, and she very much doubts it's going to start now. There has to be a catch somewhere.

"The order came from Liara T'Soni, who paid all the fees on your behalf," the asari replies. Shepard's stomach drops and something sick and heavy wraps itself around her lungs. "Xe also asked that I direct you to speak with xir at your convenience. Xir office is near the trading floor."

Shepard has to blink a few times before she can process all that. Liara is not only here, but xe's aware of Shepard's arrival - xe paid for it, even. Shepard had been hoping to delay that meeting, maybe even avoid it altogether, but it's not going to be possible. She knows she will have to face Liara at some point, but she's still not ready for it. She has no idea what to say after all that's happened.

Her unexpected meeting with Kaidan on Horizon does nothing to bolster her confidence.

"Liara is here?" Tali wonders. "On Illium? What is xe doing here?"

"Liara is one of Nos Astra's most respected information brokers," the asari replies with a hint of surprise.

Shepard turns around sharply, not interested in hearing the rest. She walks away from them and towards one of the windows.

Tali makes as if to stop her for a second, but then refrains and lets her go. Shepard can see both of her friends' reflection in the window: Tali is wringing her hands and Garrus throws Shepard a concerned look, but neither of them says anything.

Shepard bares her teeth and looks away. She's being pathetic again, she's letting her fear control her and her insecurities get in the way. She has to see Liara eventually, and it will be best if she gets that out of the way sooner rather than later, so she can go back to focusing on her mission.

 _She doesn't need this crap, she really, really doesn't. But she has to deal with it anyway. Such is her lot, it seems._

* * *

Liara's office is close by. Shepard is trying to decide whether it would be better to meet Liara in private or with Garrus and Tali, when the receptionist opens the door for them and suddenly Liara is right there, threatening someone with a team of asari commandos in a way that is eerily familiar for some reason Shepard can't place.

"I'll make this simple: either you pay me, or I flay you alive," Liara continues in a low, dangerous voice. "With my mind."

Shepard's eyebrows shoot up in shock, because this is definitely _not_ the Liara she remembers. Everybody has moved on, everybody has changed, but this is so far from the Liara she knows that Shepard can only see another Horizon coming.

Liara turns around, and a mix of confusion and dread freeze Shepard in place. She has the sudden certainty that this will not be a good reunion.

"Shepard!" Liara gasps. "Nyxeris, hold my calls," she orders, holding up a hand at xir secretary, and then xir hands are right there, on Shepard's face, and xe's kissing her, and Shepard is simultaneously struck by how much she's missed physical contact and by how much she wants to pull away, needs to pull away.

She is too stunned and torn to react in any way besides standing still and letting herself be kissed, letting herself be held. Shepard's hands hang uselessly for too long until she forces herself to hug Liara back.

"My sources believed you were alive," Liara whispers, xir fingers fluttering over Shepard's face like she's going to break and staring into Shepard's eyes with such raw emotion that Shepard has to look away. Guilt twists deep in her gut; she doesn't deserve to get that look from Liara. "But I never believed…"

Shepard takes a step back and clears her throat. Confusion crosses Liara's face before xe notices Garrus and Tali standing right behind Shepard, most likely looking awkward, and she blushes a little - a lot less than she would have back when they first met, Shepard notices.

"It's good to see you," Liara says with a warm smile. "All of you."

"It's been too long," Tali says, going to hug Liara. "You're an information broker now?"

Liara laughs, but it sounds tired and a little rusty. "That I am, Tali'Zorah vas Neema."

"I… uh, that's creepy." Tali declares. "But I guess I could have written more often."

Garrus bows and Liara smiles warmly at him. "Alright, bring it, T'Soni," Garrus says, cocking his head. "What can you tell about me?"

Liara smirks. "Why, I only ever kept tabs on my close friends, Garrus," xe says, xir eyes dancing with mischief. "Why would I track _you_?"

"Wow," Garrus says, seeming almost as stunned as he is amused. "That's cold, Liara. Really cold. Remind me of that next time you're trapped in a prothean bubble."

The conversation is both familiar and alien, and Shepard's boggled and overworked mind fills with a feeling of surrealism that's actually uncomfortable. She shifts and clears her throat, because if they keep talking she's going to snap.

"You're threatening to flay people alive now?"

A shocked silence follows, but Shepard doesn't care. She even prefers it. It's better than making chit chat and pretending nothing ever happened.

Liara, though, only gives a little smile that goes quickly from self-conscious to cold and humorless. "Oh, that? That was just a customer unhappy with the information he received. He'll pay. They always do."

Tali looks at Shepard with obvious surprise. Reading her has always been surprisingly easy: suit or no suit, Tali is very expressive. Shepard doesn't say anything, but she agrees with the sentiment.

Liara turns xir back on them to look down at the trading floor. "Ever since I helped you stop Saren, people have wanted to be my friend… or not be my enemy. I've set up a respectable business as an information broker." Xir voice is formal and cold. It sounds like a speech xe's made before, it sounds rehearsed. "It's paid the bills since you…" Liara shrugs, an abrupt rising and dropping of xir tense shoulders. "Well, for the past two years."

Shepard clenches her teeth. It's not a direct accusation, but it's hard not to take it as one, not when it's clear that Shepard's absence is what has turned Liara into something xe didn't used to be. Just like it did with Garrus and Kaidan. Shepard's death caused all of their downfalls.

She _really_ doesn't need this shit, she reminds herself. She shouldn't have to take this from anyone.

Liara turns back around. Xe tries to sound warm, but xir smile doesn't quite reach xir eyes. "And now you're back. Gunning for the Collectors with Cerberus."

Liara sounds a little disappointed about Shepard's new employers - as does most people, really - and Shepard is getting tired of having to explain herself about that.

"That's not exactly public knowledge," Shepard replies with raised eyebrows.

"Neither is you being alive, Shepard. Information is my business now," Liara replies without missing a beat, with a touch of pride.

This is not how Shepard imagined their reunion would go. Not at all. She simply stares at Liara and wonders what she should say, what she should do right now, because she is at a loss about who Liara is anymore or what xe wants from her.

Garrus asks about the people they are recruiting on Illium, just in case, but Liara seems to know a lot about them and where to find them. It's unexpected how much xe remembers just from the top of xir head.

Somehow Liara ends up asking for help with hacking, and it's so ridiculous and also by this point Shepard is so frustrated and confused she just snaps at xir.

"If you know what I'm doing, you know I don't have time to hack terminals for fun," Shepard says.

Liara slams xir hands down on the table, startling Shepard. No matter how angry xe was, Liara was never one to lose xir temper like that.

"You asked, dammit!" Liara shouts. Shepard doesn't remember having asked, but is too stunned by xir reaction to point that out. "I didn't come begging for favors, not even…" Liara's eyes flicker over xir old crew mates and their shocked expressions, and as suddenly as it came, xir anger seems to evaporate. "I'm sorry. You're right. Do what you have to do, Shepard. I'll help you however I can."

Shepard nods stiffly, still angry. "It was good to see you, Liara," she says coolly.

Liara's expression, which had remained distant for the most part, clouds over with regret. "I... Yes, you too, Shepard."

Shepard stares at xir blankly for a few more seconds before turning around and leaving without looking back.

* * *

"Shepard," Tali calls tentatively as they reach the trading floor. Shepard doesn't seem to have heard her, and Tali inhales and opens her mouth to call her again when Garrus holds up a hand to stop her. He looks at her and shakes his head, but doesn't say anything. Tali looks at Shepard's back, sighs in defeat, and drops it.

Tali had excitedly expected a tear-filled reunion, something moving and triumphant, like something out of a vid, when Shepard and Liara finally saw each other again after two years and one death. Shepard deserves so much better than she gets as a rule, but especially lately.

Tali isn't sure what it was that went wrong with them, but she's left with the nagging feeling that there's something she's missing, that there's a piece of history that explains why Shepard is so distant and Liara is so cold. And Tali, being a good quarian, intends to find out what it is; because, you know, you can't fix something unless you know where the problem lies.

( _Shepard's heart is as big as the galaxy. Shepard is brave and righteous, the closest thing Tali has ever known to a real life hero. Whatever Tali can do to help her, in whatever way, she will._ )

They track down Seryna, the asari who the assassin, Thane Krios, contacted in the cargo transfer level. Xe tells them that Thane is going after xir old employer: ruthless diplomat and businessperson Nassana Dantius.

 _Shepard's disgust at the name is evident, and for some reason Tali can't quite explain, it makes her uneasy to see it so openly displayed. Not that she herself thinks very highly of Nassana after xe tricked them to kill xir sibling two years ago, but something about Shepard's expression still feels_ wrong _._

Seryna agrees to help them, mostly to make sure that Thane will succeed in killing Nassana (' _what a nice planet this is,_ ' Tali thinks vaguely), but they have to wait until night falls to make a safer approach to the Dantius towers.

In the meantime, they locate Tracking Officer Dara who has the location on Justicar Samara. They get directions, but Shepard decides to go back to finding the justicar after they've dealt with the Dantius situation.

"Let's just hope xe doesn't get xirself kidnapped or gets trapped and fighting for xir life, or something. That would make this day just perfect," Shepard mutters bitterly.

Garrus lets out a short laugh that Tali could swear is a little tense. "Well, it _has_ worked so far," he points out. "We've gotten everybody so far, timely rescues or not."

Shepard gives him a brief smile, and Tali can see her finally relaxing just a tiny bit for the first time since meeting with Liara.

"Alright, we got time to kill," Shepard declares and looks around at the various kiosks on the opposite side of the courtyard they are in. "You guys wanna buy anything?"

"Think they have the new line of Armax scopes? I'm thinking on getting one," Garrus replies immediately and launches into a long explanation of the improvements they have made. Tali huffs to herself because Garrus will never stop being a huge nerd when it comes to guns, it seems.

He also seems a lot more at ease now that Shepard has relaxed; perhaps Tali was being unfair when she called him on not offering to go with Shepard to Alchera. Shepard and Garrus seem closer than they used to be back on the old _Normandy_ , to her initial surprise.

To be honest, if Tali had expected anyone to be working with Shepard right now (despite the fact that, you know, she _died_ ), if she had been asked who would follow her no matter what, Tali's money would have been on Liara and Kaidan. The fact that she and Garrus, the quarian and the turian whom the Alliance never got to trust, are the ones standing right here, right now, is almost as baffling as it's sad.

Why aren't Kaidan and Liara here? Liara has work, but still… xir excuses seem odd. Xe's being evasive. And as far as Kaidan goes, Tali can hardly believe what they've told her about their encounter with him on Horizon.

Shepard's closest friends and lover aren't here, and Tali feels for her. It breaks her heart. But she's here, for what it's worth.

It takes almost an hour before Shepard gets bored of scanning through catalogs and discussing upgrades, and when she does, Tali steers her away from the kiosks and towards a vantage point where they can look at the city of Nos Astra. Shepard leans against the railing.

Shepard is frowning again, which seems to be a new bad habit of hers. Her mind seems to be light years away.

"You know, this is the second time I'm on Illium," Tali says conversationally. "I first visited during my pilgrimage, but Saren's people were already after me, so I didn't get to see much of it. They didn't want to let us land, at first. They kept saying there were protocols and other nonsense, but really, they just don't like quarians. Very few quarians get to set foot here. Illium doesn't allow the Flotilla to approach beyond a certain distance."

Shepard blinks and turns to look at her. "Really?"

"Yes! They always say that this is the greatest planet in the galaxy to those who can afford it, and they work hard to keep the quarian fleet away!" Tali exclaims. She doesn't have to fake the outrage, though it's hardly the first time such a thing happens; no one in the galaxy likes quarians, they are always excluded and overlooked.

"That's idiotic," Shepard replies, anger and sympathy dancing in her eyes. But then she looks away and her focus moves away too. "Asari… They're not as diplomatic and understanding as they'd like everyone else to think, right? They hide behind rules and smiles, but are just as ruthless as everyone else."

Tali exhales in surprise. Not because of Shepard's words - in fact she agrees with those - but because the bitterness can't all be really about asari in general, and most likely has to do with one asari in particular.

"Liara looks alright. Seems to have found a place here," Tali says, trying not to be as obvious as she probably is.

Shepard snorts. "A place? Maybe. I never thought- I always thought xe liked other things. Xe kept talking about going back to xir studies and xir dig sites. This…" Shepard makes a gesture to encompass the whole city in front of them. Then she shrugs in defeat. "This is so far from the Liara I remember, I just can't…" she trails off and makes a frustrated sound.

"Yes, I feel the same," Tali agrees. "It's been two years, but it still seems… I wouldn't have expected xir to change so much in such a short time. Xe always seemed very... consistent, I guess."

Shepard actually smiles at that. "Yes, consistent, that sounds about right." She laughs. "I - Well, I sometimes…" Shepard struggles for words and her hands clench tightly on the railing, her body rocking a little back and forth. Her distress is painfully obvious on her face.

"Shepard," Tali says and she rests a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Hey, it's alright."

Shepard stands very still for a moment, her eyes unfocused, her jaw clenched. Then she swallows thickly. "I sometimes doubt that my memory… I sometimes think Cerberus may have fucked around with my memory, because why not, that's what they do." Shepard's voice is so quiet and her words so fast, Tali has to lean in to try and catch them. "It's stupid, I know, I know, but still. Can't get that thought out of my head, sometimes."

Tali's hand on Shepard's shoulder tightens and she stands closer to her. She thought her heart was breaking for Shepard before, but it wasn't true: her heart _really_ breaks for Shepard now.

"I'm so sorry, Shepard," she says, trying to put all of her emotion in her voice, to make Shepard know how much she means that. "It's not stupid; it's terrible. I'm sorry."

Shepard is shaking a little and Tali can't take it; she hugs her from her side as hard as she can, resting the front of her helmet on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Tali mutters over and over. "I shouldn't have brought it up, I didn't mean - I didn't want to make you tell me, I didn't mean…"

Shepard lets out a strangled laugh. "You didn't - You didn't make me say anything, Tali. It's okay."

Tali shakes her head and doesn't let go. "No, it's not. I shouldn't have pried."

"You didn't. I wouldn't say anything if I didn't want to."

"I'm an idiot."

"Tali," Shepard says kindly. "Tali, you're not an idiot. You're the first person I've dared to tell that to. I - I think I needed that."

Shepard is still shaking, but it's subsiding now. Still, Tali doesn't relinquish her vice grip until Shepard gently pushes her hands away.

"I'm really sorry," Tali says quietly, wringing her hands again without noticing. "Thank you for trusting me, I think, but I'm still sorry."

"I know," Shepard replies with a soft smile, the same one Tali remembers from the first time they met, when she was being hunted, when she was terrified for her life, and there Shepard came out of nowhere to rescue her. She takes Tali's hands in her own to stop their nervous movement. "It's alright."

Tali smiles at her. "Thank you for trusting me. If there's anything I can do to help, anything at all…"

Shepard tightens her grip on Tali's hands before letting go. "I don't think so. It's really - it's just me being stupid."

"You're not being stupid!" Tali replies immediately and vehemently.

Shepard looks around them for a second to make sure no one has paid too much attention to them. Tali berates herself; the last thing she wants is to make Shepard even more self-conscious. Thankfully, though, no one seems to be paying attention.

"If you wanna help me, you can still go back to the Flotilla," Shepard suggests with a crooked grin.

Tali huffs and crosses her arms. "In your dreams, Shepard. You can't get rid of me that easily. Least of all now."

Shepard shakes her head, but she is smiling.

"Maybe…" Tali hesitates as she tries to make sense of a sudden idea. "Maybe I can help. With your memory. I mean, if you aren't sure, then I can, uh, tell you if your memories are correct. Like a double-check?"

Shepard pauses, her face tight and doubtful.

"Only if you want," Tali adds.

"That's - I don't think that would help. I mean, the problem is not - So far everything checks out. Everything I remember seems to check out, nothing has been wrong. But still, sometimes I start to doubt, the thought that Cerberus might have…" Shepard trails off, twisting her mouth in disgust. "I don't trust them, I think they are capable of anything. So, I start to think; the thought pops in my head and I can't get rid of it." Shepard lets out an angry sigh. "I _know_ it's not true, I _know_ nothing so far has given me any reason to think there's something wrong with my memories, but I still can't get the thought out of my head."

Tali nods. She can relate to some of it. She has a nervous disposition, and she has dealt with anxiety problems most of her life. Nothing like this, sure, but close enough .

"Alright, yeah. That makes sense. Still, if you ever think it might help, let me know."

Shepard is smiling at her, mostly her eyes. Tali suddenly realizes that, at least since she came aboard, she has barely seen Shepard smiling at all. And now, despite this unfortunate conversation that Tali never expected to go oh so wrong – despite it all, Shepard has smiled much more than during all the days Tali has been back.

' _Oh, Shepard. She just needed to let it out_ ', Tali thinks, her heart clenching in sympathy.

"I've missed you, Tali. Glad you're back with us."

Tali is stunned, and she flushes with pleasure a moment later. "Missed you too, Shepard," she says with a wide grin. "Even if you keep trying to send me away."

"Yeah, I'm not sorry. I would be more at ease with you safe at home."

"And I wouldn't, so stop trying to convince me to go back," Tali replies, tapping Shepard's shoulder with a finger to underline her words.

"Roger that."

Tali doesn't believe it will be the last time this will be discussed, but lets it go. Shepard doesn't look so rattled anymore, and that's what's important.

"It's a beautiful planet, though, isn't it?" Shepard muses, looking at the city again. "I hear all asari colonies are beautiful as a rule."

"This is the only one I've ever been in," Tali says with a shrug.

They stand together in silence for a while. Tali looks around and sees Garrus still engrossed in a kiosk, which is hardly surprising. He gets so absorbed by his work and by guns. His single-mindedness can actually be frustrating when trying to talk with him. But then again, he is a soldier (and a turian), so. Tali supposes that makes him good at his work, though not a conversationalist.

It is no surprise that Shepard hasn't told anyone about her problems, though. Garrus would never ask or question her, and the rest of the people on board are hardly trustworthy - Tali wouldn't go to any of them herself. Who does that leave as an option? Joker? Joker never takes anything seriously, even when he should. _Especially_ when he should.

"Is - is everything alright between you and Liara?" Tali asks quietly. Shepard probably won't want to answer that, but Tali hopes putting the question out there is better than keeping it like a big, awkward elcor in the room.

Shepard stiffens.

"You don't - you don't have to tell me," Tali adds in the awkward silence that follows. "I just think, it seemed… tense, back there. So, if you wanna talk about it."

Shepard grimaces and looks away. She shifts her weight, pushes herself from the railing, then pulls back into place. "It's one of those things. The things I'm not sure about," she says quietly through clenched teeth. "As I remember it, we - we were not okay. We didn't fight, but we sort of went out of our way _not_ to fight. We started avoiding some topics, some conversations, and having the same stupid conversations over and over. It was… it was weird and uncomfortable, and I've been there before. I know what happens after that."

Tali blinks. If she ever had any faith that any couple was going to make it, it was Shepard and Liara. They were so drawn to each other, they fit so right together. Or so it had seemed at the time.

"It wasn't working out, and I was gonna end it," Shepard continues after a pause. "But I never got the chance."

"Oh." Tali looks back at the city as she considers it. "Do you think that might not be true? I mean, do you think you really wanted to end it?"

"I'm not sure," Shepard replies in a bitter tone. "I'm not sure of anything. I expected seeing xir would help, but it didn't. I was sure there would be a fight, like with Kaidan, because I didn't know xe knew I'm alive. I didn't expect xir to know. And I didn't expect… I thought xe would be angry, or hurt, or something."

"You didn't think xe'd be happy to see you?" Tali asks, a little surprised.

Shepard smiles ruefully. "No. I expected anything but happiness. And a kiss."

"But, why?"

"Kaidan, mostly," Shepard says with a sigh. "But also: I did this to her. I did this to all of you, I - I died and failed everyone." Tali tries to argue, because that's the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard, but Shepard just keeps talking. "I did. And I'm back, out of nowhere, for no reason. And xe _should_ be angry. But instead it's like - it's like xe kept waiting for me, mourning me and believing… believing we were alright, that we were in love, maybe, and that's not true. I don't think that's true."

Tali stares at her silently, still stunned by that admission of guilt. None of those things are Shepard's fault, and she should know that.

Ah, but she probably does. Tali thinks about the letters she hasn't yet dared to write to the family of the people that died on Haestrom under her command, she thinks about Prazza and his team on Freedom's Progress, she thinks of Shepard after Virmire. And Tali remembers: guilt doesn't exist in the vacuum, it never just hangs there; guilt needs a target, it needs someone to carry it, and there's always people willing to do it even if it isn't theirs to take. The ones who survive and the ones in command, they are always ready to take on the guilt.

( _Tali hates being in charge. She hates how Prazza, the stubborn idiot, still haunts her, almost as much as her friends who died on Haestrom. She hates the responsibility over other people's lives. If the Admiralty Board asks her to lead any new teams, she likes to think she'd refuse._ )

"You didn't choose to die," Tali says in the end. "Not your choice, not your fault."

Shepard rolls her eyes a little. "Been talking to therapists, huh?" Tali stares at her, surprised and a little hurt. Shepard clears her throat. "Sorry. That's something therapists have told me many times. Never managed to believe it, though."

"Neither have I," Tali admits begrudgingly. "Not really. But Shepard, it's not your fault what happened with the first _Normandy_ , and it's not your fault how people react to it. We moved on after a while, and whatever we did, it's on us, not you."

Shepard nods absently. Tali doubts she's convinced (she's always been stubborn), but perhaps she needed to be reminded of that. Hopefully she needed to be reminded of that and Tali isn't just stating the obvious.

"What will you do about Liara?" Tali wonders.

Shepard shrugs. "I don't know yet. I need to think about it, and right now I can't. Too much to do."

That's a convenient deflection, if Tali has ever heard one. But truthfully, she can't blame Shepard for dodging personal problems; she really has a lot on her plate right now. Tali would hate to be in her shoes.

"Understandable," Tali agrees.

Shepard rotates her shoulders (' _such a Shepard gesture_ ', Tali thinks fondly) and deploys her omni-tool.

"We have two hours to go. You're all set up, right?"

"Yes."

"Hungry? I'm sure I saw some turian food around the trading floor."

Tali huffs. "As long as it's sterilized, sure," she replies dryly. "Turians eat too much meat, though. I don't like eating things that are too heavy before a mission."

"I'm sure we can find something you like. This is _Illium_ after all, home of the illegal and the depraved," Shepard says with a harsh grin.

"I'm not sure what you're implying," Tali says with mock offense.

"Just that they are bound to have anything and everything you can wish for, is all."

"Right." Tali chuckles. "Just don't sign anything, Shepard. You might end up selling yourself into slavery."

"So I've been told."

* * *

The turian place doesn't have many options that aren't basically just chopped meat and Tali sighs, though she isn't at all surprised. In the end she orders one of the few vegetarian options, liquefied, and with as little spices as possible.

The cashier, a female turian, gives her a flat look.

"You sure you have enough to pay for that?"

Tali groans inwardly. It's going to be one of those times.

"I do," Tali replies dryly.

The cashier's mandibles flicker. According to Tali's vids, the expression on her face is one of disbelief, though that seems rather obvious when she says: "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to ask for your credits upfront. It's a company policy thing."

Tali bristles and can feel herself blushing in indignation and embarrassment. She is not a poor kid doing her pilgrimage anymore. She's an adult, as is shown by her new enviro-suit – and if only other species bothered to look for information about quarians, they would know.

Not like having this type of conversation was any fun while she was on her pilgrimage.

"Now, look-"

Garrus' subharmonics do a weird thing as he clears his throat.

"We'll also take an order of _tri'is_. To go. Thank you," he says as he steps up to Tali's side, his tone a little cold but otherwise perfectly civil as he stares the cashier in the eye.

The cashier stiffens. She eyes them both for a second before nodding and entering their orders.

"Your food will be ready shortly. Please have a seat."

Tali bows her head stiffly and doesn't reply.

"I could have handled her," she tells Garrus as they sit down on a nearby bench.

Garrus doesn't seem surprised. "I know. But as fun as it is to watch you tearing into people, I'm hungry."

Tali makes a perplexed gesture. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, you would have called her off on being racist - I especially like it when they don't listen and you go for the shotgun - but that would have been a long argument, she wouldn't have listened and wouldn't have changed her mind one bit. Also, this being Illium, guards would have shown up, thrown us into jail for a while, and at the end of the day the cashier would still be racist and we'd be locked up. Not to mention: Shepard would kill us."

' _That is… unfairly articulate and well-thought_ ', Tali thinks with envy. She can never be as eloquent as she'd like, especially when she really needs to.

"You got all that in two seconds?" she blurts out, and then cringes because she has an idea how Garrus will answer that.

As suspected, he gives her a smug look. "I've seen this dance before. As I said: I like the part where you threaten people with a shotgun."

(' _That only happened once!_ ' Tali thinks in outrage.)

"How can you be so sure she wouldn't have listened?" Tali wonders, in part to change the subject and wipe the smug look off of Garrus' face. And it wipes off, alright, only to be replaced with a hardened and bitter look.

"Because people never do," Garrus says with disdain, looking away. "Talk all you want, they never pay attention unless it personally affects them."

Tali hesitates. "I - I thought you had more faith in people than that," she mutters, and it comes out a little like a question.

Garrus gives her a look. "I was in C-Sec," he reminds her. "Police work is actually the worst job to keep your faith in people. You get to see how ugly and petty and mean everyone is. Over and over again. Because no matter what, they never change. And even if they did, someone will take their place and everything ends up being exactly the same."

Tali looks at him, her eyes stopping for a second on the bandage on his face, and wonders what exactly happened to Garrus during the past two years.

He has avoided talking about it. All Tali knows is he was working as a merc on Omega, started working against the gangs, and somehow everyone there now thinks he's dead. Tali can _feel_ the gaps, the unsaid words, but she doesn't want to push - Garrus is a lot more evasive than Shepard, that's for sure. Perhaps if she knew what goes in the empty spaces of his story she'd understand his cynicism.

She's pretty sure he wasn't so cynical back when they first met. He was a bit of a pessimist, the kind that is never surprised by ugly turns of events, but he had _some_ faith in changing things. He did.

 _Keelah, he went_ back _to C-Sec after all!_

Tali looks down at her hands. It's a lie what Garrus just said: people _can_ change. Pressley, the executive officer of the first _Normandy,_ hated aliens at first and ended up being a good friend, even if it took him a few months. And yeah, Tali doubts the cashier would have listened; nothing would have changed about her life or her attitude. But as a whole, at the end of it all, Tali just can't accept that the universe is completely hopeless. She can't accept every good action, even when unnoticed, amounts to nothing in the end, because that's just too bleak.

"I'm not sure if I've said this before," Garrus says suddenly, cutting into her musings. "But I'm glad you're back with us."

Tali stares at him. "Wait, what?"

Garrus' mandibles lower a little in what Tali's pretty sure is a self-deprecating gesture. "Yeah, I know I don't show it much. But I am."

"You were just telling me it's pointless to try to change people's minds because it's hopeless!"

Garrus blinks. "I… I'm not sure how that's related to this."

"I'm not sure how this is related to that!" Tali exclaims, completely lost. She lets out a sigh. "Alright, let's forget about that. I think you've mentioned it, yeah. I'm glad to be back too, Garrus, thank you."

Garrus scratches his bandage. Embarrassed, maybe?

Interesting.

"Not complaining, but what brought this on?" Tali presses. She is curious about where this leads.

Garrus scratches his bandage again and sits up a bit straighter. "Nothing," he lies unconvincingly. "Well, I just noticed you and Shepard talking earlier." Garrus looks away in the direction of the human restaurant where Shepard is placing her own order. "She has been through a lot lately. It's - It's been - Let's just say I haven't seen her talking to anyone and actually enjoying it. You two looked like you were having fun."

 _Oh, so_ that's _what this is about,_ Tali thinks with a twinge of humor.

"You were not eavesdropping, though, were you, Garrus? You know that's rude," she chides him as she wags a finger at him.

Garrus pretends to look offended, his composure falling back into place. "I would never. But it was hard not seeing you, what with all the hugging and giggling."

Tali crosses her arms. "Hugging is good. And quarians are especially good at it. We can't all be turians."

"Oh, we hug," Garrus replies with a chuckle. "All good turians hug once a year, as it's mandatory. But the spurs and the fringes just make it awkward."

Tali bursts out laughing.

* * *

Shepard has already taken a table for them when Tali and Garrus get their orders.

"I called Jack. She'll be joining us at the docks in an hour," Shepard informs them after they've sat down.

"Jack? What for?" Garrus wonders, puzzled.

Shepard looks at him and hesitates. She drops her eyes to her plate for a second, picks up her fork, and looks back up.

"She'll be going with me and Tali to the Dantius towers," Shepard replies, trying for nonchalant but actually sounding a bit defensive.

Garrus freezes, with his own fork suspended mid-way to his mouth. "I thought I was going with you two," he says, frowning.

Tali's surprised too. She and Garrus exchange a look.

"Change of plans," Shepard says with a shrug. "You have the rest of the day off."

"I - But…" Garrus stammers.

Tali can feel him struggling. Turians are trained to follow orders without question, so arguing must go against everything he has been taught all his life.

"Eclipse do love their vanguards," Garrus admits begrudgingly, his shoulders sagging a little.

"My thoughts exactly," Shepard replies immediately without bothering to look up from her plate.

Tali just looks between them and keeps quietly ingesting the liquefied turian dish through a straw. Garrus clearly has no arguments but is still unhappy about it – though he'd probably deny it -, and Shepard isn't happy either. There's something else going on here that she doesn't fully understand.

Soldier types, ugh. They are frustrating.

* * *

 **Notes:**

Varied POVs, hell yeah! It was about time, I think.

Have I mentioned I love Tali with almost as much of a passion as I love Garrus? Because I do. Tali is too precious for this world, too pure. And a hugger. I'll fight you on that.

NEXT CHAPTER IS THANE, HOLY COW, CAN'T WAIT!

Opinions? Complaints? Wanna kick my ass because Shep is being mean to Garrus? Leave a review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary:** "" _once you've hit rock bottom the only place to go is up! :)_ " You underestimate me. I've brought my pickaxe and I'm ready to dig."

 **Notes:** *Posts this and runs away* Guys, this is the hardest chapter I've written in recent memory. I'm so not sure that it's right, and it probably isn't, but there. Now I can continue. Translations from Spanish are in the end notes.

 **Fair warning:** I suspect I'm not being really fair to Zaeed here. Also actual warning for a (moderately detailed?) description of a physical altercation.

This has been beta-ed by Mordinette, as usual. Thank you so much for your time, patience and good advice.

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

 _Me?_  
 _Well, I'm well._  
 _Well, I mean I'm in hell._  
 _Well, I still have my health_  
 _(At least that's what they tell me)_  
 _If wellness is this, what in hell's name is sickness?  
But business is business!_

 _.-_

Jack and Tali make a strange combination, Shepard thinks. Jack is a little less mean than she is with everyone else, and Tali is both shyer and more argumentative than usual.

Chasing after their assassin takes a lot longer than Shepard expected. They have been going at it for hours; they have to go through each level of the tower slowly and methodically because the buildings are crawling with Eclipse mercs and they meet resistance around every corner. Thankfully, there's one elevator still operational. Shepard isn't sure what she'd do if they'd had to climb the hundreds of floors on foot while fighting off mercs. Probably set the entire building on fire and wait for Thane Krios to come out one way or another.

As Garrus mentioned, Eclipse have a lot of asari vanguards and Shepard congratulates herself on deciding to bring Jack. She has a mean warp and keeps pushing Shepard to use hers more often.

(' _Garrus deserves to sit this one out_ ', Shepard keeps telling herself, but it's really hard to deny the relief his absence brings her.)

They are almost through with clearing the level in which they left the elevator when Shepard notices one last locked door. She has a feeling of what she'll find inside, though: one of the many salarian workers Thane has gone out of his way to protect from the fray.

"Are you guys alright in here?" Shepard asks.

She is greeted by a gun pointed at her nose by a terrified salarian.

"Get back!" he shouts. "Get back! I'll shoot!"

"Hey! We're on your side, asshole," Jack says.

The salarian doesn't seem to hear that.

"I don't wanna hurt you!" he says, waving the gun around.

Tali puts up her hands and Jack groans in annoyance.

Shepard doesn't take kindly to having a gun pointed at her face and at her team - not on a good day, but even less so after the night she's having. She is tired and hungry and nerve wracked from the adrenalin, so she just punches the salarian in the stomach. He crumples to the ground.

"Don't ever do that if you're not willing to pull the trigger," Shepard says with a sneer.

This is how civilians are _not_ supposed to act. This is how civilians get killed, and they should already know that.

Jack snorts and mutters: "Idiot".

Tali lets out a shocked gasp. "Shepard! He's just scared!"

"Telon!" another salarian calls as he runs up to the one who's lying on the floor.

Shepard and Jack point their guns at him.

"Slow and easy," Shepard warns.

"He's my brother," the salarian says. "I just wanna see if he's alright."

"Shepard!" Tali says again, her voice appalled. She sidles up to Shepard, her hands open in a placating gesture. "That wasn't necessary! They are scared, they are just scared!"

"He had a gun," Shepard points out, but her voice is hollow.

As she hears herself say that, Shepard's overcome with disgust. She has heard that line so many times, and she always thought it was the worst excuse for unnecessary violence that ever existed. The Old Shepard hated people who said that and would've never used such a pathetic excuse.

"So do we. Please, they are scared," Tali repeats. "We have shields, he had one gun. He couldn't have hurt us. Please, just… stop scaring them."

Shepard lowers her gun. She feels sick.

Jack huffs, but follows her lead.

"The mercs would have killed them for waving that gun around," she says to Tali.

"And we are _not_ them," Tali snaps.

"Yeah, lucky for him."

* * *

The further up they climb, the more evident it is that Nassana is every bit as repulsive as Shepard remembers xir. Xe exploits and even kills xir own workers without batting an eyelash - which is hardly surprising from the person who had xir own sibling killed because xe was getting in the way of xir political career.

When they finally make it to the penthouse, the sun is rising. The window walls give what must be a breathtaking view of Nos Astra and the sky above it. Nassana's silhouette cuts against the rose tinted sky in what would be an interesting theme for a painting, were it not for the Commandos and Engineers surrounding xir and pointing their guns at Shepard.

Shepard and her team are outnumbered. Not that it has stopped them so far, as the trail of corpses they have left in their wake all throughout the Dantius towers can attest to.

Nassana turns around after a few seconds. Xir eyes widen.

"Shepard? But… you're dead."

Well, that's getting old.

"I got better," Shepard drawls.

"And now you're here to kill me."

Shepard takes a moment to study the Eclipse mercs. They seem to have the good sense of being scared of her. As they should.

"Maybe I just missed you," Shepard says with a shrug and an insolent grin.

"Screw you, Shepard," Nassana replies, exasperated. Xe is too easy.

Yes, Nassana remains a real charmer. Xe is also convinced Shepard is the one who was hired to kill xir. So convinced, in fact, xe is willing to pay Shepard to stop.

Shepard almost bursts out laughing. Nassana is pathetic and scared; and whatever the assassin intends to do to xir, xe probably has it coming.

"Make me an offer," Shepard says, crossing her arms. Because, well, why not? All the money in the galaxy won't save Nassana, but xe doesn't know that. Yet.

And she's curious about how much Nassana would give to save xirself.

"Double whatever you're getting," Nassana says, xir eyes narrowing and a greedy smile on xir lips. It's the expression of a predator who has its prey right where it wants and gets ready to pounce. "And I'll pay double again if you tell me who hired you."

Nassana may be paranoid, and xe may be facing the person xe thinks was sent to kill xir, but xe still thinks of xirself as the hunter. Being a victim is not even a possibility to xir.

It's remarkable, in a way. Almost worthy of admiration, in Shepard's opinion.

Almost.

Shepard pretends to consider the offer. Nassana watches her carefully, xir cocky grin never faltering. Xe is so sure Shepard will take the money; and why not? Bribes and violence and extortion have clearly always worked for Nassana before.

Too bad xe's negotiating with the wrong assassin this time. Not that Shepard would take the offer even if she was the right assassin, because if there's one thing she's sure of, it's that Nassana deserves to die.

One of the commandos startles and says xe heard something. Nassana orders the Eclipse mercs to secure the entrances and tells Shepard to stay put. Shepard does, because if her assassin is going to show up, it will be now and her main mission is making sure he survives this encounter. Nassana's death, on the other hand, is mostly an incentive.

Thane Krios drops silently from the ceiling behind the Eclipse mercs even as Nassana is finishing giving xir orders, and it's so sudden that Shepard almost misses it. Thane moves quickly, precisely, and takes out two of the mercs before Nassana even realizes something is amiss. Even then, Thane kills the last of the commandos before Nassana can do more than take out xir own gun. He easily catches and pushes away the hand that holds xir gun and presses his own pistol to xir abdomen.

Thane just holds xir still for a second, just enough for Nassana to understand it's over, that xe's about to die, before firing.

It's a cruel wound - a shot through the abdomen is not a quick death. Nassana gasps and claws at Thane, but he only cradles her gently, almost lovingly, for a few seconds, before laying xir down on xir desk. Thane places Nassana's hands over xir chest, and Shepard can see the flash of horror in Nassana's eyes as xe finally begins to understand.

The hunter has become the prey. Xe has been defeated.

There is no victory here _, a small part, a tiny part, of Shepard thinks. That part tries to make echo, to resonate, but it's easily dismissed. The truth is it feels like a victory. It feels almost like justice. Close enough._

And then, still standing in front Nassana's dying form, Thane folds his hands together in front of his face and closes his eyes.

"Nice entrance," Jack interjects in the sudden silence that fills the now mostly empty penthouse.

Thane ignores her.

Shepard stares for a few seconds, confused by his silence which feels almost anti-climactic.

"I came a long way to talk to you."

"One moment. Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken," Thane at least deigns to reply this time, but he doesn't open his eyes.

His dismissal rubs Shepard the wrong way. She has killed a lot more people than he has today, and he shouldn't count them out as threats so easily. Shepard throws Nassana's body a disdainful glance.

"Nassana and xir men deserve what they got," she points out.

"Not for xir. For me." Thane finally drops his hands and looks at her. "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone." He points at her casually, and he is moving towards Shepard without hesitation. "Take you, for instance. All this destruction… chaos." He makes a brief pause. "I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me."

It takes Shepard a few seconds to realize that, with each step Thane Krios takes towards her, she feels the growing need to take a step back.

He stands right in front of Shepard with his hands clasped loosely behind his back. "Well," he adds and squints his eyes in something that looks equal parts mistrust and defiance. "Here I am."

Shepard has stood face to face with krogan, batarians, Collectors, and hell, even a Reaper, but she honestly has no idea when was the last time she has felt so utterly and immediately intimidated.

She knows what drell look like – she searched the extranet for images as she had never seen one in person before now. Thane Krios doesn't look at all like the images she has found. He doesn't look too different, either. It's the expression in his huge, dark eyes, she decides, and the way he moves. He doesn't trust Shepard, but he is not scared - he isn't even nervous. He may be facing the three of them, but he is not outnumbered.

Shepard is struck by the sudden certainty that, should he decide to, he could kill them all. He is close enough to disarm and kill them before they have much time to react, just like he did with Nassana.

Thane Krios is cold and confident; he is dangerous, and that is not a word Shepard uses often. And Shepard's instinctive reaction is, to her own surprise, visceral and unmistakable fear. That is a word she uses even less often.

She will eat her own damn helmet before admitting it, of course. As soon as she can get a handle of that wild terrified thing in her chest, she subdues it and she forces herself to stand her ground, to keep her voice steady and her words measured.

She wonders how well he can see through her façade.

"How did you know I was here?"

* * *

In the time it takes them to get back to the _Normandy_ , Shepard tries to get a read on her new recruit and comes out unusually empty handed. Thane is difficult to grasp, and that annoys her. It worries her, it troubles her. It scares her.

Thane is a cold snap after the raging storm that is Jack and the handful that is Grunt. He throws Shepard off pace.

All she manages to ascertain, after several hours, is that Thane is a consummate professional. He will follow orders and he won't be another wild card, so there's that at least. She _needs_ professionals. Thane is the first one she has gotten in a while and that is enough.

Jack makes a few blunt and insolent questions, ostensibly to prod and get a reaction out of Thane. Tali keeps a careful distance and doesn't say much. Jacob loudly questions the loyalty of a hired gun – " _as if he isn't a hired gun himself_ ", Shepard thinks. Grunt stops by the room Thane has claimed, sniffs loudly a couple times before declaring the drell smells like "asari and rot" and then leaving to raid the kitchen.

Through all of that, Thane remains unwaveringly polite and perfectly composed. It irritates Shepard. He speaks when spoken to, but mostly remains silent and thoughtful. Watching.

 _Shepard catches a glimpse of his sniper rifles in the room he has claimed as his own, and her mouth purses in disdain. Envy, that green eyed monster, twists a blade in her gut._

* * *

The day after getting Thane set in, and after getting a full night of nightmare riddled sleep to make up for the one she spent chasing after the drell, Shepard decides they should get to the justicar before xe gets xirself in trouble.

As Shepard goes to get her breakfast she wonders who she should take with her this time – probably Thane, as a trial run, but who else?

( _Garrus is her first option, and she dismisses him immediately. She needs to stop making him her go-to guy. She needs to stop feeling that he's the safest choice._ )

Maybe Tali. Eclipse is all over Illium, and Tali's hacking was incredibly helpful during the assault to the Dantius Towers. The cons are Shepard still doesn't like putting Tali on the line, and is dreading the thought she might soon start to depend too much on Tali – like she does on Garrus.

Maybe Kasumi? It's been some time since Shepard has taken her anywhere, and it might be good to take the thief away from the _Normandy_ before she starts pulling pranks and stealing people's underwear again.

Shepard stops in her tracks when she gets the mess hall in sight. Zaeed is sitting at the end of one table, his feet up on the surface of it, and leaning back in his chair. Most of the crew members who are having breakfast are sitting at the other end of the table, huddled close and as far away from Zaeed as they can manage, but a few men and women are closer and listening intently to one of Zaeed's gruesome stories.

Shepard frowns. She would really prefer Zaeed kept to his quarters near the cargo bay and stopped terrifying her crew.

( _They're not_ her _crew. Not really. Not as the old crew was. But they are her responsibility, and at the very least she needs them focused, not distracted and/or freaking out because of the stories the old merc has been telling. Not again._ )

But of course, ordering Zaeed to stay away from people would most likely ensure he would spend his every waking moment doing the exact opposite.

"Zaeed," Shepard greets the man wearily, cutting right into the middle of his graphic description of the best way to torture information out of a salarian. The crew's expressions range from horrified to morbidly fascinated. She walks past them to get herself a coffee. "You're up early."

There's a loud thump as Zaeed lowers his feet from the table. Shepard turns around to face him with a mug in her hand and a raised eyebrow.

"You're damn right I'm up early," he replies in a gruff voice. "Been waitin' on my arse for weeks, while you keep collecting people and never gettin' to what we agreed on."

Shepard blinks, now with both eyebrows raised. "What would that be, pray tell?"

"There's someone I need to kill and you should well damn have taken me there by now," Zaeed's voice rises at the end.

If he expects that to intimidate her, he's very, very wrong.

Shepard would take a slow sip from her coffee mug, but it's still empty, so instead she just pretends to give that some serious thought.

' _It's too early for this shit_ ', she thinks, already feeling exhausted.

"Why would I do that? I mean, the deal you made was with Cerberus, not me. I said I would honor it, since I have no choice, but why would I have done it by now?" Zaeed narrows his eyes and Shepard adds, before he can interrupt. "We never agreed on _when_ you'd get your little trip on my account." Zaeed begins to protest, but Shepard raises her voice over his. "And since this is my ship, and I say we will recruit everyone we need to recruit before we go sightseeing, that's what we're going to do."

Every single person in the mess hall is staring now, their breaths held. The silence stretches, taut and sharp, for a few seconds.

"I don't give a damn about the ship," Zaeed growls. "Deal's a deal. And since the intel Cerberus gave me is getting older by the minute, you better hope it's still good by the time you come 'round to doing it. Because if it's not, and Vido's not on Zorya anymore, I'm out. And I'm not going quiet."

Shepard merely blinks at him. Zaeed has not endeared himself to her at all since they met on Omega and this posturing and threatening isn't helping his case.

It's not just the fact that he insists on freaking out her crew, he also keeps resisting her leadership constantly, and Shepard doesn't have the time or the disposition to wrangle a mouthy merc back in line every twenty minutes. Not now.

Plus, there is something about his love of carnage that just keeps setting her teeth on edge.

Shepard is tempted to take him up on his threat to leave, or even to mutiny. No one on board is going to help or follow him, so he has no chance of surviving if he decides to resort to violence.

Thing is, for all that Zaeed's a survivor, he's also the type who is capable to set himself on fire if that will also burn his enemies. He's capable of fighting a one-man war, no problem, and take as many as he can, even if he knows he won't make it out alive. _Especially_ if he knows he won't make it. Zaeed's not the kind of man you want to corner.

For all she doesn't like him, Zaeed isn't worth the hassle that a fight would create.

Shepard raises a finger with a thoughtful expression. "Say we go. Say we go there right now. What then?"

"We go, then I got my money and my revenge. Nothing more I want," Zaeed replies, like it's that simple. For him, it probably is.

Shepard can't say she trusts him, but she believes him as much as she's ever going to believe him.

Shepard stares at him for a few more seconds. Zaeed's not the type of person who has friends, but even a lone wolf needs a few people bound to him by debts. If she delivers, maybe he'll settle down enough to stop frightening the crew.

"Alright, you got my attention," Shepard relinquishes. Then she adds, mildly: "But let me tell you this: we go after your guy, and Zaeed, I ever hear a single threat coming from you again after that, I'm kicking you out on the coldest fucking moon I can find. One with an atmosphere, so you'll freeze to death, not just suffocate quickly, are we clear?"

Zaeed grunts noncommittally, as Shepard expected, but a moment later he grins. It's a slightly unnerving sight.

* * *

Zaeed grinning, Shepard decides a couple of days later, has to be the worst omen that has ever existed.

The mission on Zorya is, as the poets would say, a clusterfuck.

What little information Cerberus has given Shepard says their goal is to liberate a refinery from Blue Suns control. Zaeed, though, seems much more interested in killing Blue Suns than anything else.

Zaeed is deadly and ruthless, but he's usually more of a cold rage kind of man. Not today, though. He immediately goes on a rampage that almost gets them all killed on several occasions, including on one occasion getting himself caught in a poorly executed trap by the guards that he should have seen coming if he had been paying a minimum of attention. Luckily for him, though, Zaeed is simply too stubborn to die and manages to hold off the scrambling Blue Sun forces until Shepard and Thane get to him.

"What the fuck," Shepard demands as soon as they are in the clear. "I'm not saving your sorry ass the next time, Zaeed."

Zaeed doesn't pay any attention to her.

"Hey, listen to me!" Shepard shouts, stepping right in front of him. "I'm not following you next time you decide to take off on your own."

"This is _my_ mission, Shepard," Zaeed growls, his eyes fixed on the refinery's chimneys that are peeking over the trees. "Don't get in my way."

"You are gettin' in your own way, Zaeed," Shepard says. "You keep this up, you're gonna die way before reaching that building."

He finally, finally acknowledges her presence enough to look at her. He scowls.

"You don't get it."

Shepard gives him a flat look. "You're right, I don't. And I don't much care to."

"I've waited twenty years for this, Shepard. Twenty goddamn years," Zaeed says, looking intently at her and clenching his fists. He looks so tense he seems to be vibrating.

Shepard doesn't want to bite and ask what he means - she can tell he wants her to ask, that he wants to tell yet another war story. Shepard looks around, her eyes stopping briefly on the silent figure of Thane who is keeping watch of their surroundings in case yet more Blue Suns come charging after them.

Shepard sighs and gives up.

"Why twenty years? What is this really about?"

"This is about Vido. He betrayed me, took the Blue Suns away from me. Tried to kill me."

Shepard has to admit he's good at keeping the suspense, if anything else. Now she's actually curious about this.

"You're gonna have to elaborate a bit more, Zaeed," she says.

"He and I founded the Blue Suns. Worked real well for a while, then he decided to wipe me out of the equation."

"You founded the Blue Suns?" Shepard wonders in disbelief.

"Yes! But that bastard wiped me out of the records. Now anyone you ask is gonna talk about that Dal'serah arsehole," Zaeed says with a sneer. "We didn't even hire batarians when we started."

"And Vido tried to kill you."

"He didn't just try to kill me, he turned _my_ men against me! He paid six of them to restrain me while he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger." Zaeed forms a gun with his fingers, places it next to his bad eye, and mimics the motion of firing it. "For twenty years, I've seen that bastard every time I closed my eyes. Every time I sighted down a target. Every time I heard a gunshot."

 _Well… shit._

"You survived being shot in the head?" Shepard says before she can think about it, impressed despite herself.

Zaeed gives her a look. "Yeah, and you survived your ship getting disintegrated. A stubborn enough person can survive just about anything," he points out.

Shepard blinks. Did Zaeed just… compliment her? Did Zaeed just try to draw a parallel between them? The same Zaeed that keeps defying her orders and dismissing her like she's no more than a bossy little girl?

He takes a few steps closer, coming into her personal space and looming over her. "Rage," he says, "is a hell of an anesthetic."

He stares at her for a few more seconds, then backs away.

His words strike something within her and leave her rooted to the spot.

' _Rage_ ', she thinks.

She doesn't have much of anything on her side these days. She has responsibilities and burdens aplenty, and not a lot to keep her from being dragged down by their weight. She doesn't have anything that keeps her going forward with this suicide mission besides stubbornness and the deeply ingrained habit of fighting.

Hope is getting harder and harder to find these days. Instead, ever since Horizon, Shepard has managed to let her resentment over her own weakness keep her moving. It's not a perfect system, but it seems to be working for her.

And perhaps it's going to keep her from dying this time.

* * *

Zaeed seems a little more focused for a while, but when they find Vido Santiago, he refuses to acknowledge Shepard's incredulous questions and orders, and sets the entire refinery on fire.

As soon as they kill the last of the remaining guards, Shepard stalks up to Zaeed.

"What the _fuck_ did you just do?" she demands, still more shocked than anything.

"I opened the gate," Zaeed replies, simply. "And I killed a lot of Vido's men. He just lost his home-field advantage."

"You set the entire place on fire! How do you think we can do this now, huh?"

"Got a better plan? Roam around the jungle for hours just to find another way in?" Zaeed demands. Shepard only glares at him, but can't actually think of a good answer. "That's what I thought. If you want me to help you on your mission, Shepard, you better make damn sure that man dies today," he adds before walking past Shepard.

She clenches her fists and can barely hold herself from knocking him off his feet with a biotic throw.

She takes a deep, shaky breath and tries to stomp off the worst of her anger. She's supposed to be an N7, goddammit, and she knows better. She was picked for the program especially for her ability to focus and to carry out her mission, even if that means dismissing her own feelings.

( _Whoever the Old Shepard used to be, she has never felt further away from the New Shepard than at this moment._ )

Shepard orders them to move.

She looks at Thane, wondering what the assassin makes of this. Thane looks back at her as a reflex, just for a second, but his face is as impassive as always – or at least it is to her, with her limited knowledge of drell culture and biology.

Shepard grinds her teeth. She will have to trust Thane will follow her lead, unlike Zaeed, if things get even worse.

A voice calls for help. One of the refinery workers signals them and begs for them to help contain the situation before the building explodes.

"No time. Vido's probably half-way to the shuttle docks by now," Zaeed says, not even sparing the worker a glance.

Shepard's thoughts screech to a halt.

"What? Are you really willing to watch these people burn to death?" she asks in disbelief. "You started this!"

"I'm not sticking around to watch," Zaeed says without hesitation. "We stop to help these people, and Vido gets away. And if he gets away, I'm blaming _you_."

Shepard's mind balks at the immediate, uncaring dismissal.

"Blaming _me_? Zaeed, _you_ did this!" Shepard shouts, pointing at the distressed worker.

"We need to keep moving _now_!" Zaeed hisses.

He's itching to keep moving. And yet, he's still here. Even Zaeed, who mostly works alone, who always survives, and who is so eager to get Vido he's willing to let everyone else die, knows he can't make it alone. If he could, he'd have left by now.

Shepard closes her eyes for a moment and breathes, trying to clear her mind, re-settle herself and evaluate. As with most of the problems she has encountered in her life, both professional and personal, this is a matter of priorities. Thing is, she's having trouble locating her own.

Civilian lives have always been at the top of her list. It's a no-brainer.

Except when the mission is more important. Except when the mission objective is to save more lives. Right?

 _Ashley barely said anything besides "I understand". She knew, as Shepard did, that her decision meant she'd be left to die. She'd accepted it immediately, almost with relief - because she knew it meant Kaidan would make it._

( _Ashley's skin was made of steel, and her heart was brave and reluctant. Ashley was impulsive and headstrong, skeptical and sentimental. Her fellow sole survivor: she would have made such a good N7 one day._ )

Back on Terra Nova, Shepard had let Balak go to spare a handful of civilians. She had done this with as much conviction as she used to have in anything, which was a lot. But then, hadn't it burnt a path of fury all through her to let a batarian slaver go free? And each time she asked the Alliance for updates and they came back empty-handed, that path of fury only got wider.

If Balak had been on Mindoir, if Shepard had known that for sure, there is no way he would have left the station alive. If he had been one of those slavers, Shepard would have sacrificed the civilians for a chance to rip out Balak's eyes out of his skull.

That's also a no-brainer.

Actually, no, she realizes a second later. Old Shepard was determined to leave her past behind, if only because her past contained nothing but horror. If only because that's what was expected from her as an N7 and an Alliance marine, and Old Shepard was nothing if not dutiful.

( _Well, look where that got her. Spaced. Dead. Cold. Alone.)_

( _If she had just been more selfish, more decisive. If she had just forced Joker out of his goddamned seat a few seconds earlier, if only she hadn't obeyed the Council, if only…)_

Well, it's still a no-brainer for her. For _this_ Shepard. For New Shepard. And it's high time she stops living in her old self's shadow.

 _It might actually keep her alive this time._

One thing, and one thing only, had landed her her N7 training: her focus on the mission and a stubborn will to survive. Shepard opens her eyes again.

"We keep going," she says. As soon as she says it, her certainty falters , but she presses on. It's the only thing she knows how to do. "We kill him, then we get back to deal with this mess. With _your_ mess," she adds pointedly, half turning her head to Zaeed, but not really looking at him.

She doesn't want to do this, but that rarely means anything for a leader, does it? Her job is to make the tough calls and stick to them, not to like them.

This impossible decision is Zaeed's fault, and Shepard clings to that knowledge.

( _It's the only thing that will let her live with herself after today._ )

"Finally," Zaeed says with a huff.

Shepard, once again, has to resist the urge to deck him. Or to throw up.

The worker calls after them, incredulous. Shepard does her best not to hear him.

* * *

Vido burns.

Shepard barely pays attention to this - ever since she decided to come after him, a part of her has been running an internal clock, thinking over and over that if they make this quick they will manage to go back and save a few people. Not everyone - that's impossible given how quickly people suffocate in fires. People have already died, but if they go back, right now, they will save a few. And that will be enough.

Right?

Zaeed walks away, like he doesn't care. Like he hasn't spent the last 20 years obsessing about this moment. Shepard wonders if it feels as hollow to him as it does to her. Then, she decides she doesn't care.

She doesn't give a shit about Zaeed anymore, what he wants or who he is. After this, he'd better be the best damn soldier and follow every single one of her commands. For his sake.

"Right, we go back right now and see…" Shepard begins, turning around towards the refinery, but is cut off when the building explodes.

The shock wave resonates through her, makes her chest vibrate and her ears buzz. She covers her face as a reflex, to protect it from the light and the heat that threatens to singe her hair.

After a few seconds, Shepard drops her arms.

"No," she mutters. Her ears are full of white noise and she can barely hear her own voice.

 _No. No, no, nonono._

' _That's not what was supposed to happen_ ', Shepard thinks as though from somewhere far away. Her arms are hanging loose by her sides, and her face is slack. Her knees don't buckle, which is a relief but also a shame because she doesn't know what to do with them any more than she knows what to do with anything right now.

She knew this would likely happen. She knew it was the price of listening to Zaeed instead of forcing him (once again) back in line. She knew it, and yet she had somehow expected it would end in a way where her single minded focus let them…

Zaeed is talking. Shepard turns to look at him blankly.

"Call the goddamn shuttle," Zaeed says gruffly, like someone who's impatient because they have to repeat themselves. "Nothing more to do here."

Shepard blinks.

"What?" she asks dumbly.

"Get the fucking shuttle!" Zaeed shouts. "Vido is dead and everyone else, too! We're done here."

Shepard opens her mouth, but can't think of a single thing to say to convey the amount of disgust he makes her feel. She turns around slowly to face him. Zaeed is no longer paying attention to her, which is too bad because in her next breath Shepard lets out a wordless growl and punches him in the face.

There is a reason why Zaeed has stayed alive this long, though. He flinches away from her blow, purely as a reflex, and puts out his arms to grab her. He is fast, for a man his age; not fast enough to dodge the impact completely, but he would have grabbed her and try to hit her right back if it hadn't been for her biotics.

Instead, Zaeed is sent flying backwards. He hits the ground with a grunt and Shepard strides after him, her vision clouded with rage, unaware of the wisps of biotics that are flaring around her clenched fists.

Shepard kicks Zaeed in the ribs.

" _¡Hijo de puta!_ " She kicks him again, barely aware of her own words, barely aware she has slipped back into Spanish. There is simply no other way she can express the level of her anger right now. " _¡Es culpa tuya, imbécil de mierda! ¡Toda esa gente… !_ "

Zaeed manages to get hold of her foot and pulls, hard, stopping her ranting and throwing her to the ground. He quickly tries to crawl on top of her, dodging her kicking legs.

"Fuck off, Shepard," he grumbles, catching her arms and struggling to pin them to the ground.

Zaeed is strong, and Shepard knows if he manages to hit her from such a short range he'll have the upper hand. She buckles and kicks, growling viciously until she manages to pry one of her arms free. Before Zaeed can stop her, Shepard punches him again with an uppercut that might not have done as much damage as she would have liked but would probably be enough to throw him off her. With added biotics, though, it makes Zaeed's teeth rattle audibly and he sprawls backwards

Shepard scrambles to her knees. Zaeed is sputtering curses and threats, blinking hard, clearly disoriented. Everything she knows tells her she should keep her distance, keep him moving, because he is nothing but brute strength and she has her age and speed on her side. That's what she should do, but she doesn't. She doesn't care about smart, she doesn't care about anything but inflicting pain - besides, she has biotics now. Instead, she plants a knee firmly on Zaeed's solar plexus, braces herself with one hand on his chest and punches him again. And again. And again.

Biotics give her strength, but they also spend a lot of energy. Still, when Shepard finally stops, Zaeed is barely conscious, his nose is a bloody and bent mess, and his good eye is already swelling.

Shepard lets herself fall off the old merc. She is panting and feeling the crash of adrenalin. She does her best not to cry over what she has just done, over the dead workers, over her exhaustion and how far she has fallen and keeps falling.

There's a rustling behind her, and Shepard looks up with a start. Thane, whose presence she had completely forgotten, is standing next to her, offering his hand for her to take. His expression is, as usual, unreadable.

For a second, Shepard wants to push the hand away, to tell the drell to leave her alone, to go fuck himself and his composure. God only knows what Thane makes of her now.

Shepard forces the petty feeling down and takes his hand instead. Thane pulls her up and steadies her gently. Shepard glances at him and thinks she can see a flicker of concern in his big, black eyes.

"Zaeed," Shepard calls, then coughs.

Zaeed grunts and tries to move, but he can't fully coordinate and his eyes are still struggling to focus.

Shepard deploys her omni-tool, opens a voice message for Zaeed to hear when he has recovered. "Zaeed, you will never, ever set foot on my ship again. I don't need you - you've been a hindrance from day one. So fuck you. Enjoy the hell you made here on Zorya, and know it is all your own damn fault." Shepard narrows her eyes and pauses for a moment before adding: "If I ever see you again, and you better believe me, if I ever see you again, I'll kill you myself."

Shepard closes the message. She signals Thane to follow her and walks away, limping slightly, and calls for the extraction shuttle.

* * *

Thane spent two years on Illium chasing after Nassana Dantius. In that time he heard about the attack on the Citadel, obviously, and of Shepard, the First Human Spectre who had stopped the perpetrator of the attack, rogue Spectre Saren Arterius.

He heard all of it in bits and pieces, but never paid much mind to any of it. He had a target, and a mission, and anything that didn't affect it could be ignored. Thane didn't have much longer to live, so why waste time and energy on things that he couldn't change? Kolyat was safe, still with his aunts and uncles - that was the only concern Thane had (and still has) about the future.

Thane didn't expect to survive his mission on Illium, and that suited him. Killing such a bad creature gave him closure, and it gave him a better death than any hospital could, while he still was himself.

And now, he's here.

It still surprises him, to find himself aboard the _Normandy_. To be alive, and on a human ship - none of that was a part of his plan. And Thane always works with a plan. Shepard's cause, and Shepard herself, though, have done to him something he didn't expect: they have made him curious.

Curiosity is not part of a dying man's life. Curiosity is for a man who is hale and hearty, and still has hope left that maybe he'll find something good in the universe.

While on the shuttle on the way back from Zorya, Thane sits quietly with his hands clasped together, and thinks about Shepard. The first thing he did on board the _Normandy_ was search the extranet for information about the commander. Old habits die hard, and Thane has never been good at leaving old habits behind, anyway. He didn't go digging too deeply, though. She isn't a target, so he kept to public sites, trying to figure out what most people thought when they heard her name, puzzling her public persona and learn the things he would know if he had actually paid attention to the news.

He had the impression Commander Shepard was an important figure, but what he found went beyond that: Shepard was a hero. A _dead_ hero. Her actions and her tragic death had made her into a public figure and a legend in a few short months. Not much was known about her as a person, and so her image was idealized and indistinct.

What he sees before him, though, is painfully… human. Shepard is shaking, just a little, a fact she keeps trying to disguise by pacing and clenching and unclenching her fists. She ripped off her gloves and the pauldron pieces of her armor as soon as she got on board and threw them in a corner. The gloves have traces of Zaeed's blood and Shepard's knuckles are raw, despite the protection her gloves gave her. Human skin is more delicate than that of a drell, Thane remembers.

Her scent is sour, like fear and anger and misery.

Thane isn't well versed in the expression of human emotions. He can read signs of surprise, aggression and fear well enough, but he doesn't have the knowledge to simply read smaller signs and pick up finer shades of meaning from them. So he watches instead, trying to find patterns and connect them.

Shepard punches the wall, and Thane startles a little. His attention had been drifting. That isn't something that normally happens, letting his mind wonder while in the presence of others. But then again, Thane doesn't normally has allies; he has employers, targets, obstacles and bystanders - that's it.

His eyes focus on Shepard's now bleeding hand. He can't see her face, but he can pick up on her breathing: it's shallow, agitated.

"It was a mistake," Shepard says. Her voice is raw but steady.

"What was?"

"Listening to Zaeed. Everything - every single word he said. I shouldn't have listened to any of it. I should have sent him back to his room. Kicked him out." Shepard shrugs. "Never should have come here."

Thane wonders what it was that drove her over the edge like that. What was the tipping point? Her frustration had been evident from the beginning - not that he can blame her, what with Zaeed being on a hair trigger the entire time. The mercenary was undisciplined, a wild card; exactly the type that Thane had never thought much of.

But she had still done what he demanded. So, why had she turned on Zaeed right at the end?

"Why did you?" he asks.

Shepard stiffens and her injured hand curls up into a tight fist. But she doesn't answer.

"You don't know," Thane ventures quietly. Shepard's first is shaking now. "Is that why you left him? Because you listened to him, but don't know why?"

Shepard turns around sharply. Her face is flushed and her jaw is clenched.

"What do you care?" she spits. "I left him because he was a problem. He didn't follow orders. He made that mess. He - he took off and made it worse, made it impossible. It was _impossible_. Why shouldn't I have left him?"

Thane sits back and lowers his hands. "I apologize. I wasn't trying to question your decisions, Shepard," he says. "I do not object to leaving him behind. I'm merely curious."

Shepard continues to glare at him. She takes a breath.

"I - You –"

Shepard's whole face shifts in a series of complicated spasms that Thane woefully regrets he can't interpret. There is an obvious stark truth to whatever feelings are being displayed in Shepard's face, and he can't understand them yet.

Then Shepard crumples to her seat and cradles her head between her hands.

For a long moment there is absolute silence. Then Thane can hear Shepard's ragged breath and he wonders with no small amount of surprise if she's crying.

He… well, he has no idea how to deal with it if she is.

"It was my call," Shepard suddenly says, without raising her head. She sounds exhausted, hollow, but it doesn't sound as if she's crying. "It was on me."

Thane has no good answer for her, and so he doesn't say anything.

He is completely unprepared to deal with this situation, and he can't help but wonder if maybe he put his fate in the hands of a broken soldier like the many he has seen and killed throughout his life. He is going to die soon either way, but putting effort into a cause that is not destined to be successful has never been his way. He rarely makes mistakes.

A few minutes later, as they come close to the _Normandy,_ Shepard makes a visible effort to straighten up and carefully hides her turmoil behind a professional mask.

"This was a terrible introduction to the team," she says, and her voice is steady. She is looking at him straight in the eye. "Things don't usually go that badly, and they won't do so again. You have my word, sere Krios."

She looks, suddenly, much more like the Commander Shepard from the vids and the Alliance posters. This and the correct honorific she uses gives Thane some comfort and a hint of approval.

While he retains some doubts after watching her crumble like this, if she can manage to get a grip and not let it happen again, then maybe they might actually succeed in their mission after all.

"I have a feeling I can hold you to that, Commander," he says. And he does, but he still says it mostly for her benefit.

Shepard's smile turns a little sharper, but also more certain.

"Yes, you can."

* * *

Garrus hadn't realized how much he missed the debriefings Shepard used to do on the first _Normandy_ until now. He misses them mainly because said briefings included the whole team. Tempers sometimes ran high, especially as Saren proved to be always two steps ahead of them and the chase seemed to lead them to more dead ends than answers. But at least everyone was kept in the loop after each mission, which is not happening right now.

The debriefings Shepard holds now usually only contain Miranda and sometimes Jacob. Garrus thinks this is probably because the Cerberus people are too used to keeping any and all information behind closed doors.

It's a terrible system. Especially when Shepard returns from a mission with one less team member and there is still no official reason given.

One of the many things Garrus has learned about humans is that they love to gossip. He knows the uncertainty over what happened on Zorya will most likely turn into doubts about Shepard if she doesn't give them any kind of information about what happened.

It's not fair to her, but it's what is going to happen.

Garrus is moderately sure his presence in the Mess Hall is the one thing keeping the gossip from running too loudly, although it's almost certainly still spreading freely in other corners of the ship. Most of the human crew keeps a careful distance from Garrus and they keep watching him with wary eyes - which is not all that different from his days in C-Sec or the first _Normandy_ , to be honest, so it's not the first time it happens. Plus, it allows him to work without being disturbed most of the time.

( _It doesn't help with the paranoia, though. After two years of living with a target on his back, the feeling of being watched from a distance keeps making his plates itch and his fingers go for a rifle, so he avoids using public spaces as a rule._ )

So, he's staying right here for the time being, working on a datapad. It's not much, but it's all he can think to do until Shepard says something.

Garrus looks up when he hears her voice, but she's not in his field of view. He finishes his drink of kava, gets up and heads towards the kitchen area. As he walks, he can finally see her talking to Thane at the entrance of Life Support.

EDI had told him that Shepard was alright, no reported injuries, but actually laying eyes on her even for just a second gives him a surprising amount of relief.

Garrus carefully rinses his cup, focusing on it to keep from wondering what exactly happened on Zorya - and failing again. He has plenty of theories, but deep down all he can hope is this isn't like Virmire. Virmire had been an impossible situation and it had taken a huge toll on Shepard - turning her determination from controlled to menacing. There had been no more time for personal pursuits after Virmire.

When he turns around, Garrus can't see Shepard anymore. He hesitates for a second, then walks towards the elevator. Shepard is waiting, frowning at the doors although her gaze seems distant.

Garrus clears his throat lightly. Shepard flinches and turns to him with a look he could only describe as panicked.

 _This is... not good._

"Shepard," Garrus greets her as softly as he can.

Shepard blinks, then stiffly turns to glare at the elevator's doors again.

"Garrus," she says in a clipped voice. "Anything I can help you with?"

Garrus hesitates again. "Actually, I was wondering if there's anything _I_ can do to help."

The moment the words leave his mouth, he can see Shepard's jaw clenching and her hands curling into fists. Garrus notices for the first time that her knuckles are scraped and scratched.

"I'm fine," Shepard replies without barely moving her lips.

Garrus' mandibles fall slack in shock. It's not that she is so obviously lying - in fact, he can't think he's ever seen Shepard being less fine than in this moment except for when she broke down on Horizon - it's…

"Alright," Garrus hears himself say.

Shepard nods, still not looking at him, and doesn't reply.

Garrus schools his expression back into a neutral one. He turns to the elevator too just as it arrives and its door open. Shepard steps inside it and presses a button, her eyes focused on a point behind Garrus.

He can feel a stab of the insecurities he hasn't indulged in in such a long time: did he do something wrong? He must have,

( _he always does, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how carefully he plans, he always does and he never realizes until it's too late_ )

but what exactly?

Then, with some effort, he pushes those feelings aside to be examined later, and focuses on her instead. It's always easier to focus on her instead of whatever messy thing that decides to crawl inside his head.

"I'm glad you're back in one piece," he says quietly, with a desperate edge

( _because he can't apologize for whatever he's done wrong, but he needs to let her know he's sorry and he'll do better_ )

Shepard looks at him in surprise. In that moment, something passes between them, some type of communication Garrus can't consciously control. He thinks he can feel Shepard seeing him, seeing into him with some kind of unnerving clarity, and he's afraid of what she might find inside him.

Then the doors of the elevator close and Garrus is left blinking at their polished surface. He steps away quickly and looks around. He doesn't see anyone who could have witnessed that conversation, and for that he's grateful.

Garrus picks up his datapad and returns to the Main Battery, trying to make it look like he isn't trying to dissect the exact reason why Shepard's reaction ( _curling fist, clenched jaw, painfully straight back_ ) would have given him the sudden, immediate certainty this had something to do with him.

Garrus hadn't been on Zorya. He doesn't even know what happened to Zaeed, besides EDI informing him and the rest of the crew he wouldn't be returning to the ship. He's probably alive or Shepard would have said so - but judging by everything else, there had been a falling out. A violent falling out.

So, what does that had to do with Garrus?

It doesn't, really. She's most likely angry about whatever happened planetside, not with him. And yet, the certainty that she has some sort of problem with him is still there - it's a gut feeling, the same kind of gut feeling that he had honed through his C-Sec years.

Garrus takes a deep breath.

He might be wrong. He might be blowing stuff out of proportion. He would like nothing more than to go to Shepard and clear this up, right now, so they can keep going as they were. But even if he doesn't know what happened on Zorya, he knows it's taken a toll on Shepard and this isn't the best time.

He's not happy with it, but he can wait.

.-

* * *

 **Notes:**

 **Translations from Spanish:**  
¡Hijo de puta! = Son of a bitch!  
¡Es culpa tuya, imbécil de mierda! ¡Toda esa gente… !=It's all your fault, you fucking moron*! All those people...! (*That is the closest thing I could equate it to. )

Spanish is my native language, btw. Honestly, it was hard choosing insults that weren't too obviously tied to my own country. As a result these look weirdly washed out, because they are in the closest thing Standard Spanish as I could make them.

Zaeed is alive, FYI.

*bites nails nervously* Hope you guys like this. Reviews are always appreciated.


End file.
